Jerry Colonna: How to Reboot Yourself

Achieving external markers of success—wealth, status, accomplishment—while operating from a false self shaped by others' expectations creates a profound sense of hollowness and can lead to suicidal ideation, despite outward achievement.

“you were a great VC you became Rich you accomplished all of your goals that you thought you wanted and yet you wanted to kill yourself you felt hollow inside”

People who hold power in organizations—CEOs, leaders, parents—have a greater responsibility to develop discernment and emotional regulation, because their unprocessed emotional state impacts the psychological safety of everyone around them.

“you can start the conversation that says Hey Joe I was thinking about our relationship and I realized that one of the values I get out of the relationship is that it feeds a part of me that I don't really want to feed anymore the part of me that feels like it's to party and and and drink and there are aspects of our relationship that I really enjoy and I don't really enjoy that aspect and you do not have to change Joe but I'm changing my relationship with that part of me so if we're going to get together we're not going to drink see what I did I took responsibility and I shifted the dynamic now if Joe says well that's boring I don't have any desire to get together with you well isn't that revealing okay remember love is safe and if it's not safe it's not love because if that was really love it would be safe enough for you to say hey I don't feel like drinking right”

The concept of 'enough' is an elusive and difficult antidote to the psychological pattern of 'not enough,' which drives endless striving and creates perpetual dissatisfaction even after achieving wealth and success.

“enough was an elusive concept enough was uh something that just never seemed possible right and and for teachings on that the Buddhists have this notion of a Hungry Ghost who wanders the world uh never quite satiated and wraithlike figure who eats and eats and eats and never feels satiated and Shane dude there are millions of hungry ghosts in power positions right now MH right they could have all the money in the world they could win the game of Monopoly they could Bend The Game of Life with all the toys and they're still hungry ghosts”

Social media and advertising are explicitly designed to activate the 'not enough' belief system, creating a perpetual message that the viewer is inadequate and needs to consume to become adequate.

“we do live in a society and social media is like um gasoline on the on the Embers that constantly burn all right and our children um are growing up in a world where um they are repeatedly shown a message which is that they are not enough and there's a lot in our uh economic systems that are built on this right advertising activates that effective advertising says you you may be great but you'd be much better if you had this car versus that clunker that you're driving right”

Unprocessed emotions (anxiety, shame, grief) that we carry unconsciously spill out onto others—our children, spouses, colleagues—imposing psychological burdens they didn't create and are ill-equipped to bear.

“unprocessed stuff spills out and impacts other people right”

Genuine success and contentment require developing equanimity—the ability to acknowledge mistakes and learn from them without shame or self-rejection—rather than seeking external validation through achievement.

“I am less focused on helping people become outwardly wildly successful then I am focused on people including people who are outwardly wildly successful people feeling resilient and feeling that equinity so that they don't wake up at 45 years old feeling Hollow”

We inherit not just trauma and pain from our parents and ancestors, but also the question: 'What lineage do I want to leave? What do I want to pass on to my descendants?'

“the question for all of us is what do you want to pass on what is the lineage we would like to leave whether we're talking about the planet or we're talking about Society or we're talking about our internal family Dynamics what do you want to leave your descendants”

The question 'How am I complicit in creating the conditions I say I don't want?' is the core organizing question for understanding how we unconsciously perpetuate the very patterns that harm us.

“you got it that's the core organizing question and and it's really important to unpack that question carefully I chose the word complicit for a reason I often talk about being the accomplice in a bank job not the one who sticks up the teller okay because the respon responsibility more often than not becomes part of that family lineage well this is the way we do things right”

When a relationship triggers old wounds (fear of abandonment, shame, etc.), communicating 'the story I'm telling myself' allows the partner to calibrate their intent and clarify the misunderstanding without the interaction becoming a conflict.

“and this is a line that um comes from brne Brown and it and it's simply the story that I'm telling myself so so imagine uh Hulk in me gets triggered okay and with discernment with the self- knowledge with what I call radical self-inquiry I know that that Hulk lives within me and rather than naming that with shame which I used to oh you're right oh it's to terrible I I've welcomed in that part of me and understand that that part of me shows up so that I don't feel taken advantage of so that I feel safe I now layer in a new line which is okay the story I'm telling myself is that you're about to take advantage of me and the concominant reaction the supporting reaction from Ally will be she'll look at me and she'll say if you don't want to do this you don't have to do this I'm not manipulating you I love you and and I appreciate your generosity and all of a sudden Hulk is just sniffing flowers and is happy and returns to Bruce Banner state”

Psychological safety in relationships requires both partners to be able to express their internal stories and fears without judgment, and this safety cannot be the sole responsibility of one partner—each person must do the work of developing comfort with vulnerability in themselves.

“I think it's helpful for a lot of people it's a very um it sounds weird but a lot of us don't have practice with that conversation yeah right so we we we have these competing things going on in our head which is I want to be a good person I want to be a good friend uh I want to um be there for people I know this relationship isn't serving me but I also don't quite know how to end that and maintain the I'm a good person I'm a good friend I'm a like so Shane in your observation I think you see something really profound which is that we talked about socialization as children”

The fear of complacency and laziness embedded in negative motivation systems creates a false belief that letting go of self-criticism will lead to failure, when in fact relaxation and ease are conditions where genuine creativity and innovation arise.

“if I pause if I let the negative if I let the positive in in a sense the risk is that I'm going to be complacent I'm going to be the victim I'm going to be sort of drifting through life and I won't accomplish anything”

Resilience without discernment can lead to false grit—persisting in the wrong direction due to shame-based attachment to a goal rather than genuine suitability—and is distinguishable from true resilience, which includes the wisdom to redirect effort.

“resilience without discernment can create stubbornness okay oh I love that go deeper on that all right so um uh in reboot I have this construct that I play with between True Grit and false grit okay and false grit is this notion of um I've attached a certain secondary meaning to an accomplishment of a goal”

The practice of growing up is never complete—it is an ongoing process of consciousness-raising, pattern recognition, and skill development that extends throughout life.

“you know the last line of reboot is and with this I mastered the art of growing up Okay the reason I site this is because it's really important in this moment to recognize that what we're talking about is the practice of growing up there is no moment in time where we say I'm done fully realized adult maybe the Buddha is maybe the Dal Lama is but I don't know many people who are totally free of these things but the practice of growing up the practice of becoming the adult that we want to be”

Breaking intergenerational patterns of identity-outsourcing, shame-based motivation, and emotional suppression requires conscious, deliberate work; it is possible at any life stage but becomes increasingly urgent as one recognizes time is finite.

“it's never too late and I think that that's a really important message you know the Buddha had a teaching which basically goes like this if you spend 20 if you sit down to meditate with the intention of meditating for 20 minutes and spend 19 minutes wo Gathering but in the last minute wake up congratulations you had a wonderful meditation session so even at 70 or 80 it's not too late and that's a really important message because part of the myth is that it's always too late oh it's not I'm 19 years old it's too late I'm 30 years old it's too late I'm 50 years old it's too late it's not too late”

From childhood, we learn to attach our sense of self and worth to external identities (titles, roles, accomplishments) as a mechanism to secure love, safety, and belonging from caregivers and society.

“we start to attach um our sense of self to that and in and in a way all of the struggle is a struggle to free that sense of self that identity from all the different mechanisms”

The feeling of parental pride and approval from one's children is a powerful extrinsic motivation that, while external, carries genuine meaning and is worth valuing despite intellectual concerns about relying on external validation.

“as a father nothing can replace being proud of your children except when your children are proud of you sure that's an extrinsic motivation but I'll take that one that's a powerful powerful moment”

We must teach children (and later, develop in ourselves) the ability to articulate and communicate feelings, needs, and concerns in ways that are life-giving rather than blaming; without this skill, people default to passive-aggressive or aggressive-active patterns.

“we talked about socialization as children and what we learned we learn about uh Outsourcing if you will a sense of self-worth to objects to accomplishments to goals we uh we talked about internalization of patterns in order to keep ourselves safe or loved or that we belong we talked about inheriting certain P patterns now you're talking about the fact that we tend not to teach our children how to speak in a way that is lifegiving and life affirming yeah right and then we wonder why relationship struggle”

Self-kindness and forgiveness toward oneself are prerequisites for extending genuine kindness and forgiveness toward others; condemning oneself for imperfection ensures one's children will inherit the same self-criticism.

“I think this process that we're talking about really unpacking notice when I said what is the benefit and I moved away from the impulse which is to to see the benefit we're seeking as something negative M oh I'm just trying to feel safe yeah now if we can project into uh little munchkins in our lives Rugrats people that we love who are just kids and we see them struggling what is it we want them to feel about themselves I want to take away that like I think of my kids right my my intuition which I often uh have to consciously overrule but my first gut instinct is to like jump in to save them to make things easy for them”

Young boys and men especially are not given words for their feelings and are discouraged from expressing vulnerability, leading to adult men operating with only two emotional response modes: silence and passive avoidance, or explosive aggression.

“we don't even give them the words for their feelings 100% oh you're angry oh that's the word oh you're sad oh that's the word we just feel the violence the physical and oh you're crying I'll give you something to cry about right”

The impulse of parents to 'snowplow' difficulties for their children (clearing the road, making things easy) is natural but interferes with developing the resilience and self-esteem that comes from overcoming challenges.

“I think of my kids right my my intuition which I often uh have to consciously overrule but my first gut instinct is to like jump in to save them to make things easy for them and I would imagine that a lot of people are like that yeah snowplowing just you know clearing the road”

Children learn most powerfully through imitation and observation of how adults manage conflict, express emotions, and treat themselves; modeling healthy emotional processing is more effective than explicit instruction.

“what do they want more than anything else in the world other than pleasing their parents I'm gonna be just like him or for those of us with negative situations I'm going to be anything but that person I think that's in part where where I come from right anything but there was a person in my life I don't want to get into too many details but anything but that person sure that's that's that but notice the the positive and negative positive and negative you know we we talk about resilience I often talk about equinity”

Until we become conscious of the secondary benefit (the hidden payoff or protection) that unconscious patterns provide, we cannot transform them, because the pattern is designed to keep us safe or to secure belonging.

“until you see it until you see that there's a benefit to you let me give you an example I was working with a a woman who's a CEO of a small company last week we were at a an offsite a retreat”

The counterbalance to negative self-motivation is not complacency but reaching for authentic purpose and meaning—'Man's Reach should exceed his grasp'—which comes from intrinsic motivation rather than fear.

“I am enough I don't have to write another book I'm enough but what if I wrote a book that changed the world what if I wrote a book that made somebody who's struggling feel a little bit better about themselves what if I reach for those Stars”

Organizations and communities can benefit from the same practices as individuals—taking a fix on themselves, practicing discernment, and developing psychological safety—to become healthier and more innovative.

“when we feel collectively whether it's at a country level or a company level when we can relax into the joy of doing something magnificent or as I often will say to my startup clients something magical greater Innovation comes”

We have been socialized to use negative motivation (fear, shame, self-criticism) to drive achievement and behavior change, and this creates a pattern where we cannot hear or internalize positive feedback or success.

“like many of us you have been socialized to use negative to motivate do we get socialized or is that like inherent because I can remember doing this as a child from the time I was like five or six”

The principle of the 'tragic gap'—the space between the world as it is and the world as it could be—provides powerful and healthy motivation when one lives in that gap with purpose rather than guilt or shame.

“my friend Parker Palmer often speaks about the the phrase the tragic Gap and the Gap is between the world as it is and the world that could be right and there is something powerful and Purpose Driven in acknowledging and living in that gap between who we are and who we'd like to be without getting sucked into guilt without getting sucked into shame”

Discernment—the ability to distinguish between fact and interpretation, between old patterns and current reality, between true grit and false grit—is the underutilized core skill for both individual transformation and healthy relationships.

“discernment is the underutilized tool I like that a lot”

The anxiety or fear of disappointing others that Shane experiences is a learned childhood pattern rooted in shame, and the path to freedom involves examining the shame without judgment and asking what it was protecting him from.

“so you let them down what's the risk I don't I don't like feeling like I let somebody down like I don't like feeling I wasted somebody's time or okay so do you hear the little voice in your head that says Shane come on you wasted my time yeah right now notice the feelings feelings might be shame really powerful feeling might be guilt and without unpacking it so deeply as that it feels like a JPY session right how old are those feelings as long as I can remember there you go now let's name a truth okay as a bunch of protoplasm in embryo in uterus you didn't have shame so somewhere between conception and today you learned to feel shame”

OFNR (Observation, Feeling, Need, Request) creates space between stimulus and response by separating the objective fact from the interpretation, which allows the prefrontal cortex to engage rather than the amygdala responding reactively.

“and you're you're creating that pause between stimulus and response when you do it and you're allowing your your sort of uh self to take a a double double take or step on this yeah I mean I often visualize it as the prefontal cortex grabs the wheel away from the amydala yeah right and it's like oh wait my adult brain kicks in because I separated stimulus and response”

Journaling as a practice since adolescence, combined with morning meditation and exercise, creates a ritual of 'taking a fix' on one's emotional and mental state, raising consciousness and preventing autopilot living.

“I've been journaling since I was 13 okay and I turned 60 this year so journaling is a fundamental part of who I am I was journaling before I was in therapy okay”

Recognizing when you want to end an unhealthy relationship requires being willing to speak up and risk the friendship, but the conversation itself—speaking the truth with responsibility—is a valuable skill regardless of the outcome.

“my impulse would be always to have a conversation because the practice of having the conversation even if the conversation isn't well received is a good muscle for you to develop mhm but you let go of the hope of quote unquote changing the other person you're not in the fix people business”

Processing emotions means bringing unconscious feelings to awareness (through journaling, meditation, or conversation), examining them without judgment, and allowing them to naturally dissipate rather than suppressing them.

“what it me in this case yeah yeah so um and what you're hitting upon Shane is the fact that we're not socialized to pay attention to feelings I'm going to say this again we are not socialized to pay attention to feelings but feelings have consequences in our life regardless of whether or not we pay attention to them”

Achieving one's purpose (doing the work one was 'put on Earth to do') is a more reliable source of meaning and fulfillment than achieving financial wealth, even among wealthy, successful people.

“I cannot express enough the joy that comes from doing the work that you were born to do can you walk me through this a little bit so uh you get a negative comment on a book or you you catch yourself thinking friends who have more money than you and you you should have you should have like more money or work harder or however you feel less of yourself in that moment what is the internal voice in your head saying how do you get out of that Loop uh well you you you hit upon and and probably because I gave them to you two different um vulnerabilities that I carry one is um I I'll speak about money for a moment you know my best friends uh in in business and my best friends in in many ways are Fred Wilson and bradf felt two of the most successful VCS in the world and I walked away from the business when it was the three of us making hay you know do doing some good work in the world and so I can sort of look at them and go oh God why did I walk away look at look at look at the their life and yet what constantly comes back I mean I had lunch with Fred a couple months ago and he made me cry because he looked at me and he said you know Jerry you you are on fire you you do work that you were literally born to do and you know it's one thing to feel that about yourself it's another thing to have somebody whom you love say that about you okay”

Children unconsciously learn to expect and recreate specific relationship dynamics from their family of origin; until these patterns are recognized, people will repeatedly choose partners or friends who mirror early relationships.

“I remember working with a client who was complaining to me about her boss and her boss's name was John and one day I I said wait wasn't your last boss named John she goes yeah and the boss before that wasn't he named John yeah what's your father's name John um when when we look at those patterns it is so useful to ask ourself without inducing shame or blame what is the benefit why do I keep this relationship going when they hurt me”

In the practice of OFNR (Observation, Feeling, Need, Request), most people confuse observation with feeling—they state their interpretation or story as though it were objective fact, which activates defensiveness in their partner.

“the problem is Shane that we confuse o and F all the time go deeper on that you're you don't care about our relationship you're always late to our lunches that's a feeling that's a feeling and it's an interpretation it's an assumption so so being late is the observation but the all of the subjectiveness to that is”

Childhood trauma or adverse experiences create unconscious 'programming' or 'subroutines' that persist into adulthood and require deliberate adult work to recognize and revise; they can trigger acute emotional reactions (shame, rage) even in safe present-moment circumstances.

“it was like a lightning bolt it went right back to Childhood and all sorts of negative experiences I had as a child now I had a moment I had a choice remember that line that is in inaccurately attributed to Victor Frankle between stimulus and response as a choice Choice okay so stimulus response my response was going to be hulk-like and it was going to be what's the matter with you what”

Many people avoid difficult conversations (ending relationships, setting boundaries, expressing needs) not because they lack communication skills but because they fear rejection, abandonment, or being perceived as a 'bad person' if they prioritize their own needs.

“I promise I won't ask you about your relationships but I think you're absolutely right that this shows up in there and and there's a couple of things that I would say about that one again using the same tools of unpacking and understanding what's important to you so for example in my own life one of the trigger points for me that's very well known in my partner Ally knows this very very well is when I I I a i it's very important for me to be generous and if I feel that my generosity is being taken advantage of um I go from being Spider-Man to being the Hulk”

Between any stimulus and response exists a space; consciousness and adult development consist of expanding that space so that choice becomes possible rather than automatic reaction.

“remember that line that is in inaccurately attributed to Victor Frankle between stimulus and response as a choice Choice okay so stimulus response my response was going to be hulk-like”

A CEO's frustration that employees don't make independent decisions is often masking a deeper benefit: the CEO derives identity and control from being the necessary decision-maker, making the situation feel intolerable while simultaneously providing psychological payoff.

“I was working with a a woman who's a CEO of a small company last week we were at a an offsite a retreat and uh she was talking about you know she has 15 employees and she was talking about one of the you know how the employees just drive her crazy and you know nobody works as hard as she does and what's the problem here and all this and I said well who hired them and she smiled just the way you did and she's like oh well yeah I said okay so you're in charge yes and I can't stand it I said but what's the benefit to you for being in charge and this sneaky little grin kicked in and she said well I'm the bus okay”

The question 'What is the benefit to me?' applied to seemingly self-destructive behaviors often reveals that those behaviors were developed to keep oneself safe or to maintain belonging, not out of stupidity or self-harm.

“because the mechanisms we're talking about more often than not were created to keep you safe now why do I say this I say this because when we start to unpack these unconscious patterns one impulse is to criticize ourself look at me I operate behind a false front I'm such a bad person hint that's another false front okay that's also designed to protect you from getting to the core issue the real benefit of being curious about these structures goes to the heart of the question”

The 'better angels of our nature' are activated by acknowledging the protective function of negative self-talk (the voice that says you're not enough), thanking it for keeping you safe, and then consciously inviting the voice that calls you toward aspiration and contribution.

“when we acknowledge the negative forces when we acknowledge the the negative selft talk acknowledge it thank it for doing it job of keeping us safe but let it know that you're okay you're an adult you got this you start to give space for the better angels of your nature to come forward”