Why Truly Sociable People Hate Parties

True sociability and real connection between people is almost never built through cheerful interaction, but rather through vulnerability, revealing broken or painful parts of oneself, and exchanging uncensored thoughts that risk humiliation and judgment.

“true sociability – that is a real connection between two people – is almost never built up via anything cheerful. It is the result of making ourselves vulnerable before another person, by revealing something that is broken, lost, confused, lonely and in pain within us. We build genuine connections when we dare to exchange thoughts that might leave us open to humiliation and judgement; we make real friends through sharing in an uncensored and frank way a little of the agony and confusion of being alive.”

A genuinely social occasion requires intentional conditions and context to help people feel safe about sharing vulnerability, requiring what the speaker calls 'artful choreography' rather than simply packing a room and leaving things to chance.

“a genuinely social occasion might be rather different from what we typically envisage... a good host is someone who creates the conditions in which strangers can start to feel safe about being sad and desperate together... a commitment to deep sociability might lead us to recognise that we do depend on a little artful choreography to get us into the psychological zone in which connections can unfold.”

A person with high standards for genuine social connection may experience a 'lingering horror' of parties, but this does not indicate misanthropy or social anxiety; rather it reflects an ambitious conception of what true social contact should entail.

“If we have a lingering horror of parties, we should be generous towards our hunches. It doesn't mean that we don't like other people, rather that we have too ambitious a conception of social contact to put up with what is on offer at most parties.”

The mark of a truly sociable person might often be a strong desire to stay at home, suggesting that sociability is sometimes better expressed through selectivity and depth than through broad attendance.

“The mark of a truly sociable person might, in many situations, simply be a strong desire to stay at home.”

The modern association of sociability with party attendance is based on assumptions that social connection naturally springs from proximity and cheerful interaction, but these assumptions are incorrect.

“Parties have become synonymous with sociability because of certain underlying ideas about what true social connection might require and entail. We assume that sociability naturally springs up when lots of people are put together in a room, that it means speaking a lot and notably cheerfully about things that have been happening in our lives”

Networking, properly understood, is not about finding investment opportunities or professional advancement, but about identifying shared regrets, humiliations, and feelings of despair.

“We need help in networking, not in order to find new investment opportunities, but so as to identify shared regrets, humiliations and feelings of despair.”

Modern parties are structured as 'a clever ruse by a sharp minority, perhaps only ten per cent of humanity, to persuade the rest of us that we have been provided with the social contact we crave,' when in truth they provide only superficial interaction.

“Parties, as they are currently structured, constitute a clever ruse by a sharp minority, – perhaps only ten per cent of humanity – to persuade the rest of us that we have been provided with the social contact we crave. But, in truth, it takes a sharply insular and misanthropic person to feel that what goes on in an average party really counts as anything like the requisite encounter with one's fellow human animal.”

Modern culture resists anything that appears artificial in party contexts because it evokes corporate gatherings, but this resistance to deliberate design actually prevents genuine social connection from occurring.

“the modern world seems particularly resistant to anything that seems artificial around parties, which threatens to evoke that most dreaded of all social genres: the corporate get-together. The thought is simply to pack a room and leave the rest to nature. But a commitment to deep sociability might lead us to recognise that we do depend on a little artful choreography to get us into the psychological zone in which connections can unfold.”

Good hosts are traditionally thought to provide adequate wine and ensure guests know each other's names, but in a deeper sense a good host creates psychological conditions where strangers can safely share sadness and desperation.

“We think of a 'good host' as someone who makes sure there is enough wine and, at a pinch, ensures people know each other's names. But in the profound sense, a good host is someone who creates the conditions in which strangers can start to feel safe about being sad and desperate together.”

Creating genuine social connection requires encouragement and potentially helpful structures (like lanyards) to help people share vulnerable aspects of themselves.

“We might need encouragement – and even a helpful lanyard – to share a little of what is sad within us.”