Child Attachment Expert: We're Stressing Newborns & It's Causing ADHD! Hidden Dangers Of Daycare!

ADHD, depression, and anxiety are not primary genetic disorders but rather stress responses rooted in insecure attachment and environmental stressors; while there is a sensitivity gene (short allele on the serotonin receptor) that predisposes children to mental illness, sensitive and present parenting in the first year neutralizes the expression of this gene through epigenetics, whereas neglectful parenting exacerbates it.

“There is no genetic precursor to mental illness. There is no genetic precursor to ADHD. There is no genetic precursor to depression and no genetic precursor to anxiety... What they did find is a genetic tie to something called the sensitivity gene. It's a short allele on the serotonin receptor... if those children who are born with that gene for sensitivity are provided with emotionally and physically present attachment security in the first year, it neutralizes the expression of that gene.”

ADHD is not a disorder but a stress response: when children are under stress, they go into fight-or-flight, activating the amygdala (the stress-regulating part of the brain). If the amygdala is activated too early and too intensely, it grows large and then burns out, becoming non-functional for life.

“So, when our children are under stress, they go into fight or flight. So, one of the first signs that a child is under stress that they cannot manage is when they become aggressive in school. They hit, they bite, they throw chairs. Um they have trouble, you know, socially in daycare or preschool or even in school. Or they become distracted, which is the flight part of fight or flight.”

Mothers are critical for sensitive empathic nurturing in infants and toddlers, while fathers have a different but equally important role—they are playful tactile stimulators who help children regulate excitement and aggression through roughhousing and risk-taking, roles that are biologically determined by nurturing hormones (oxytocin in mothers, vasopressin in fathers).

“mothers um are really important for what we call sensitive empathic nurturing when children are infants and toddlers. That means that when children are in distress, mothers soothe babies and therefore regulate their emotions from moment to moment... fathers also produce oxytocin, but it has a different effect on their brain... it makes them more what we call playful tactile stimulators of babies... Throwing the baby up in the air and tickling the baby and running after the baby and roughhousing.”

One in five children will not leave childhood without developing a serious mental illness including anxiety, depression, ADHD, and behavioral problems, with rates of one in six in the UK and similar rates globally.

“One in five children will not leave childhood without developing a serious mental illness. Anxiety, depression, ADHD, behavioral problems.”

Infertility has multiple contributing factors including environmental toxins, stress (affecting both male and female fertility), delayed childbearing (aging eggs and sperm), and companies offering to freeze eggs for young female employees with the promise of later parenthood—which is deceptive because egg freezing does not guarantee fertility; many women who freeze eggs later cannot achieve pregnancy.

“We're lying to women. And to men. We're telling them, 'Freeze your eggs.' In fact, this is a little disturbing. I'll tell you about this. That law firms now are um paying for the freezing of their young female associates' eggs... saying, 'Freeze your eggs. Work really hard for us. Yeah, you can have children later.' And the truth is a lot of them can't. Because when you freeze eggs, it's not a guarantee of fertility. It's not a guarantee that those eggs will turn into embryos. It's not a guarantee that those embryos will turn into babies.”

Educational system favors girls' learning styles over boys': boys have shorter attention spans and need frequent physical activity, while girls can sit longer in circle time; boys' schools with multiple recess periods better accommodate boys' developmental needs, but mainstream schools marginalize and misdiagnose boys as ADHD.

“Another myth is you can do everything all at the same time and do it well. Myth. That's a big myth. You can't...The good news is life is long...Um and so what that means is you have many, many, many, many, many, many years to have a fabulous career when your children don't need you so much, but you have a very small window to create that emotional security for your children.”

The 'sensitivity gene' (short allele on the serotonin receptor gene) makes children more sensitive to stress and more prone to mental illness; however, if those children receive emotionally and physically present attachment security in the first year, it neutralizes the expression of that gene through epigenetics.

“What they did find is a genetic tie to something called the sensitivity gene. It's a short allele on the serotonin receptor. And serotonin, as we know, is used to regulate happy emotions, to regulate emotions, right? So, when you have a short allele, it means that you have a harder time picking up the serotonin, but it also means that you are more sensitive to stress. Now, those children who are born with this gene, this short allele on the serotonin receptor gene, they are more prone to mental illness later on because of that sensitivity to stress.”

If you miss the 0-3 critical window, you get a second chance in adolescence, but it requires being present in a different way (being available when the door opens on the adolescent's terms, not forcing connection); repair is possible because the brain is plastic.

“If you miss that window, it's not the end of the world because you can a word that we use is to repair. You can repair a lot of the damage. But to repair the damage, you can't go back to sort of like going to a confessional if you're Catholic...if you're going to repair, it means that whatever happens between you and your child, you're trying to be a better parent.”

Daycare is bad for children's brains and has been known to increase aggression, behavioral problems, and attachment disorders because babies need their mothers in the first three years for emotional security.

“There's some myths that really have to be debunked about how to raise a healthy child. And the first is daycare is good for children for socialization. No, it is so bad for their brain. And it's been known to increase aggression, behavioral problems, attachment disorders because babies need their mothers in the first 3 years for emotional security.”

Quality time is a narcissistic fantasy; parents cannot substitute brief, intentional moments for sustained presence because children need their caregivers on the child's schedule, not the parent's schedule, and emotional presence requires physical presence—you cannot be emotionally present if you're not physically there enough of the time.

“Quality versus quantity time. Myth. You need to be there a quality of time as well as a quantity of time. You can't have a fabulous career and then come home and be present for your child on your time. It needs to be on their time.”

Little boys need substantially different education than little girls in early years: boys have shorter attention spans and require frequent physical activity (ideally boys' schools have 4 recess periods per day), while girls have greater capacity to sit quietly and focus; the educational system currently favors girls' learning styles and labels active boys as having ADHD or behavioral problems when they are simply being developmentally normal boys.

“The educational system favors the way girls learn, not the way boys learn. How do boys learn? Boys have attention spans for very short periods of time and then they need lots of physical activity. So, ideally, if you go to and look at the boys' schools, what do they do? They run the boys like running the dogs in the park. They sit for 45 minutes or half an hour, but then the boys get time off to run around.”

Technology raises dopamine levels in adolescent brains approximately 10 times more than in adult brains because adolescents lack regulatory maturity; this extreme dopamine surge causes addiction, activates the amygdala (triggering stress and fear), and social media in particular exploits adolescent girls' self-consciousness and perfectionism, trapping them in a hypervigilant stress state that leads to anxiety, depression, and self-harm.

“there was some research to show that technology raises the dopamine in an adolescent's brain tenfold to that of of So, in other words, it would be like if you smoked a joint, it would, you know, make you high. If an adolescent smoked the same joint, it would make them 10 times higher... the prefrontal cortex is the part of the brain that regulates emotions, and it's not fully developed till about 25. So, all that dopamine that has to be regulated is more easily regulated in an adult than an adolescent.”

Longitudinal attachment research shows that children who are insecurely attached at 12 months of age are insecurely attached 20 years later in 80% of cases and suffer from mental disorders; conversely, securely attached infants remain securely attached 20 years later and do well, demonstrating that early attachment is a predictor of lifelong mental health.

“the longitudinal attachment research shows that children who are insecurely attached at 12 months of age, 20 years later are insecurely 80% of them are are insecurely attached and suffer from mental disorders. That's what the longitudinal attachment research says. So, we now have decades of basically children were followed from when they were infants. And the ones who were securely attached, 20 years later are still securely attached and doing great. And the ones who were insecurely attached, most still insecurely attached and it's tied and correlated to all of these mental illness conditions, right?”

The Rhesus Monkey wire mother study showed that baby monkeys given only a wire mother became neurotic and clingy, those given nothing lost their minds, and those with a live nurturing mother became securely attached and emotionally healthy, demonstrating that physical contact, responsiveness, and emotional presence are non-negotiable for healthy development.

“They took these baby rhesus monkeys and they they let some be with the mothers and the mothers nurtured those babies and those babies became healthily attached and secure and those were the healthy emotionally healthy babies. Then they gave um another subset of monkeys um a wire mother covered with a piece of cloth or fur or something. And those babies became very neurotic, but at least they were clinging. They became like the ambivalent attachment babies because there was no response from the mother, but at least they were holding on to this mother. And then they gave and these babies became very neurotic and then they gave this subset of babies nothing. And those babies literally lost their minds.”

Rapprochement (emotional refueling) is a developmental process where children, once securely attached, feel safe to explore and take risks; they toddle away but then look back for the parent's reassurance and return for physical contact before venturing out again; this is how children develop courage and resilience—through having a secure touchstone they can return to.

“There's something called um rapprochement, which is emotional refueling. So, when children start to explore, when you've given them emotional security, and they feel so secure that you're going to be there, then they start to take chances, they start to take risks, they start to toddle off. That's the where the word toddler came from. They toddle away, but guess what they do for emotional security? They look back, and they say, 'Oh, she's there. It's okay.' And then they keep playing. Or, they run back and get a hug, and then they run off again. You are their touchstone of security. And that's how children become courageous. That's how they develop the ability to explore and still feel secure.”

Oedipal development (ages 3-6) involves all little boys romantically 'falling in love' with their mothers and wanting fathers to 'get lost,' and all little girls wanting to be 'daddy's princess' and wanting mothers gone; fathers must be secure enough not to react with jealousy or rejection; if the opposite-sex parent is absent or emotionally unavailable during this period, it creates a lasting wound and predisposes children (particularly girls) to seek that missing connection in adult romantic relationships.

“There's something called Oedipal development, which is sexual development. It's really relational development, but it's sexual development, which is that all little boys fall in love romantically with their mothers and want to marry them. So, all little boys say, 'I want to marry you, Mommy. Daddy, get lost.' It's sort of like that. And all little girls want to be daddy's little princess and marry daddy and want Mommy to get lost.”

One in five children will not leave childhood without developing a serious mental illness including anxiety, depression, ADHD, and behavioral problems.

“One in five children will not leave childhood without developing a serious mental illness. Anxiety, depression, ADHD, behavioral problems.”

Michael Meany's licking and grooming study showed that animals whose mothers licked and groomed them became more resilient to stress, and this resilience passed down generationally; animals not licked and groomed did not pass on resilience or the desire to have offspring.

“There is a researcher named Michael Meany. He did a study on licking and grooming. Animals who lick and groom their young, meaning are nurturing skin-to-skin, lick and groom. Uh in human terms, that would be holding, touching, loving, skin-to-skin. Those uh if if a mother licked and groomed her young, that baby would become more resilient to stress in the future. The babies who were not licked and groomed by their mothers become became less resilient to stress in the future. In addition, the babies who were more resilient to stress because their mothers had licked and groomed them passed down generationally the ability to lick and groom the next generation. What happened to the babies who weren't licked and groomed? Guess what happened? They didn't pass it down. Right. And that's what's happening to humans today.”

The feminist and 'me' movements of the 1960s onwards had the unintended consequence of abandoning children's irreducible neurological and emotional needs; while women's liberation was positive in raising women's status, it also denigrated men and took away the primary purpose of both genders (women's purpose as nurturers, men's purpose as protectors/providers), which is causing mental health crises in both men and children.

“the turn that society took that that I think has a lot to do with what's happening today is the me movement of the '60s and also the feminist movement. Both of those movements which had a tremendously positive impact on society in one way also had a tremendously negative impact on society. When women decided that it was cool to go to work and to work full-time out of the home, you know, everybody cheered and said, 'Great, you know, women have the same rights as men and now everybody can be in the workforce and be independent and make money and do their own thing. Me, me, me, me, me.' The problem is that children were dropped. They were abandoned.”

There is an inverse relationship between oxytocin and testosterone: high oxytocin (associated with nurturing) suppresses testosterone; when men engage in caregiving, their testosterone drops significantly, which affects sexual function, motivation, and mood, because evolutionarily males are primed for mating/protection (high testosterone) not nurturing (high oxytocin).

“There's an inverse relationship between oxytocin and testosterone. The higher the oxytocin, guess what? The lower the testosterone. Yes. So, if we're staying at home bonding... So, mammals, when they are nurturing their young, they don't want somebody mating with them. Go away, right? So, the idea is that when a female nurtures, she doesn't want to have sex. She doesn't want to, right? So, the investment in nurturing pushes away the investment in mating.”

Certain high-demand careers (e.g., investment banking, law, CEO roles) are inherently incompatible with being a primary attachment figure because they require extensive travel, missing daily life events, and inability to be present on the child's schedule; while women can have successful careers, they must choose between the kind of work they do and the kind of parent they become.

“there are certain careers that are harder to be a good mother. Period. I'm saying that, I know it's a harsh talk, but there it is. There are certain careers that are too demanding to be present for your children... You think if you're a father who's a CEO who's traveling around the world and misses your children's birthday and misses your children's soccer games and misses your children's piano concerts and isn't there to pick them up at school or have breakfast with them or have dinner at the end of the day, you think that child is going to have a healthy relationship with that parent?”

Daycare is bad for children's brains because it increases aggression, behavioral problems, and attachment disorders by forcing babies away from their primary attachment figure (usually the mother) before they are neurologically and emotionally ready.

“No, it is so bad for their brain. And it's been known to increase aggression, behavioral problems, attachment disorders because babies need their mothers in the first 3 years for emotional security.”

Mothers and fathers are not interchangeable because their nurturing hormones dictate different evolutionary roles: mothers produce oxytocin that makes them sensitive empathic nurturers who regulate sadness and fear, while fathers produce oxytocin that makes them playful tactile stimulators who regulate aggression and encourage exploration.

“So, mothers um are really important for what we call sensitive empathic nurturing when children are infants and toddlers. That means that when children are in distress, mothers soothe babies and therefore regulate their emotions from moment to moment. Every time a mother soothes a baby uh with skin-to-skin contact and eye contact and the soothing tone of her voice, she's leaning into that baby's pain and she is regulating that baby's emotions.”

ADHD medications like stimulants can cause growth issues, panic attacks, anxiety disorders, and depression; while they can be life-saving in some cases, they are over-prescribed as performance drugs for normal stress responses rather than as a last resort after investigating the root causes.

“Stimulants...can cause great anxiety, they can cause panic attacks in adolescents, uh they can cause growth issues. So, uh I have patients who come to me, young men who didn't grow because they were put on stimulants when they were young.”

Having children is inherently stressful, frustrating, and sleep-depriving for the first 5+ years; this should be part of the honest job description alongside joy and enrichment; parents who expect parenting to be easy or who cannot tolerate this level of discomfort are not adequately prepared for the role.

“I'm going to say it right now so everybody can hear it who's watching this. Having children is stressful. It is frustrating. It does require that you are sleepless for the first 5 years. It requires that you can tolerate a lot of discomfort and frustration. So, if there was a job description, first it would say the most joyful uh enriching thing you can do in your entire life. But, what comes with that to foster healthy development is frustration, lack of sleep, stress, uh discomfort.”

The hippocampus is the 'off switch' for the stress response (amygdala is the 'on switch'); in children with ADHD/behavioral problems, the amygdala is overactive and enlarged while the hippocampus is small, resulting in a state of 'gas no brakes'—the stress response activates but cannot be turned off.

“the brain has an on switch and an off switch. The on switch to stress is the amygdala, the hippocampus is the off switch... What we're seeing in children's brains is that the amygdala is growing very precociously large and the hippocampus, which is the off switch, is very small. So, we have this problem. As we say, Houston, we have a problem. We have an on switch going full speed, gas no brakes, and no off switch.”

Maternal depletion syndrome is a real condition where mothers with too many children in short succession become physically and emotionally depleted, potentially to the point of death in developing countries; this acknowledges biological limits to parenting capacity and supports setting realistic expectations about family size.

“Well, there's something in the developing world called maternal depletion syndrome, which is that mothers can actually die in the developing world of having too many children in too short a period of time. Uh they get depleted physically, but they also get depleted emotionally.”

In adult attachment patterns, avoidant individuals struggle to form meaningful and deep connections, fear commitment, and have difficulty trusting intimacy; ambivalent individuals are highly anxious, clingy, and suffocate their partners with excessive need; disorganized individuals are emotionally volatile, angry, and engage in self-harm; these patterns are not fate but can be healed through corrective relationships (therapy or healthy partners).

“avoidant An avoidant attachment disorder would be someone who um can't form meaningful and deep connections, can't commit, has difficulty committing, has difficulty trusting in the intimacy and the the depth of intimacy in a relationship.”

Before having children, people should look deeply at their own upbringing, losses, and early traumas to understand and repair them; otherwise, they risk creating generational transmission of attachment disorders, mental illness, and unresolved trauma patterns to their own children.

“I do think that if you're going to have children then you need to look deeply at your own upbringing and your own losses and your own early traumas before you bring them into this world so you can repair whatever it is you need to repair and not uh create what we call generational expression of things like attachment disorders and mental illness”

By three years of age, 85% of the right brain is developed, making this the most critical period for emotional regulation and attachment security; during this window, parental presence changes the architecture of the child's brain through neurogenesis (growth of cells), and every interaction involving skin-to-skin contact, eye contact, and soothing creates millions of synapses.

“by 3 years of age, 85% of the right brain is developed. And by 3 years of age, babies can then start to internalize the ability to regulate their own emotions.”

Narcissistic parenting—projecting one's own needs, desires, and identity onto children and architecting their lives—is abusive; when parents see their child as a mini-me rather than as an authentic individual, they risk losing the child emotionally; successful children of controlling parents often have terrible personal lives, may be narcissistic themselves, or develop other mental health problems.

“When we project our needs and desires and likes and who we are onto our children, we're not letting them authentically be themselves. The greatest gift you can give your child is to see your child as an authentic individual who is an individual and themselves and not to see them as a mini-me. Um when you start architecting their life, there's a good chance you're going to lose that child emotionally at some point. They're either going to hate you, they're They may be successful in their careers. They may have terrible personal lives. They may be narcissistic parents themselves.”

An emotionally regulated, healthy parent is someone with authentic self-esteem (not grandiosity) who feels good about themselves, knows their strengths and limitations, can regulate their own emotions (staying calm in storms, neither too high nor too low), and is sensitive and empathic as a nurturer; such a parent produces healthier children than one who is anxious, defensive, or emotionally dysregulated.

“A healthy parent is a parent who feels good about themselves who has authentically good self-esteem not grandiosity but really feels good about themselves knows their strengths and limitations and overall as a whole person feels good about themselves. Um they have the capacity to regulate their emotions to keep their emotions from going too high and too low. Remember Mhm. sailing in the Caribbean meaning they can stay calm in a storm. Um is sensitive and empathic as a nurturer.”

Couples should prepare for the reality that having a baby will transform both partners, potentially changing their career ambitions, relationship dynamics, and priorities; they should strategize in advance about how to accommodate these changes rather than promising that 'nothing will change,' which sets them up for resentment and conflict.

“young people is they promise each other, they make promises to each other that they probably should not make. Do not promise your spouse that nothing will change when you have a baby. Say to your spouse, let's prepare for everything to change.”

When responding to a child's emotional needs (e.g., wanting candy, having a tantrum), parents should always first acknowledge and mirror the child's feelings before setting structure; the 'broken record' technique involves repeating empathy and the boundary: 'I see you're really upset, but the answer is still no'; this validates the child while maintaining the limit, and is more effective than simply saying 'no' without empathic recognition.

“before you discipline you always want to be empathic first. So, I always say that that if you are going to discipline a child, first you have to recognize how they feel... Acknowledge your child's feelings. So, I would turn to my child and say, 'You want sweets, so you're hungry.' Yeah, you can say, 'I can see that you really want that packet of sweets. I can see how hard it is cuz you really want it, but you know you can't have it before dinner.'”

The brain pruning process that occurs in adolescence (9-25 years) requires parental presence to shape which cells are pruned and which are kept; parents who are absent and unavailable during adolescence cannot guide this critical developmental process, leaving teenagers without inner resources to cope with adolescent adversity.

“Now, adolescence comes, 9 to 25. And now you have to prune back the garden because if you don't prune back the cells you don't need, it's as damaging to the brain as if you didn't grow them to begin with. So, in these two critical windows, the environment dictates do the cells grow? Do they get pruned?”

Oxytocin (the love hormone) is protective against cortisol (the stress hormone); when a mother nurtures with sensitive empathic care, it raises oxytocin in the baby's brain, which protects the baby from cortisol and its damaging effects.

“There is a a hormone called oxytocin. It's the love hormone. And it is protective against cortisol. The more a mother nurtures with sensitive empathic nurturing, meaning when the baby cries, the mother goes, 'Oh, sweetheart. You know, let me see the boo-boo. Let me kiss the boo-boo.' That actually raises the oxytocin in the baby's brain, which then protects the baby from cortisol.”

Sensitive empathic parenting means empathizing with the child's feelings before setting boundaries (the broken record technique: empathize, set structure, repeat); parents who go straight to 'no' without empathy make children feel unseen and dissatisfied.

“Before you discipline you always want to be empathic first. So, I always say that that if you are going to discipline a child, first you have to recognize how they feel...When you recognize a child's feelings, if they're sad, you mirror their sadness. If they're angry, you say, 'I can see you're angry.' If they're happy, you look happy with them. That kind of reflection is the way that your child knows that you acknowledge them.”

A healthy parent has three characteristics: (1) feels good about themselves with authentic self-esteem, (2) can regulate their emotions and stay calm in a storm (sailing in the Caribbean, not the Atlantic), and (3) is sensitive and empathic as a nurturer. An emotionally regulated parent produces a healthy child.

“So what is a healthy parent? A healthy parent is a parent who feels good about themselves who has authentically good self-esteem not grandiosity but really feels good about themselves knows their strengths and limitations and overall as a whole person feels good about themselves. Um they have the capacity to regulate their emotions to keep their emotions from going too high and too low. Remember Mhm. sailing in the Caribbean meaning they can stay calm in a storm. Um is sensitive and empathic as a nurturer. These are signs of health in a in a parent. So if my kid says I want that pack of sweets and I go you you you can't have that pack of sweets. Well, first you have to so before you discipline you always want to be empathic first.”

Children do not need 'socialization' through daycare before age 3; they need one-on-one attachment security. After 3, parallel play transitions to real interaction, and then preschool is beneficial; before 3, playdates with parental supervision are better than institutional daycare.

“Children don't need other kids until the age of three. They do something called parallel play. What they need is one-on-one connection. They need attachment security, and they need their emotional needs met by one person, one-on-one. Um after three, then the beginning of preschool, then they start to actually interact with one another. Until then, they're not playing together. They're just doing parallel play. So, that's another myth. The myth that daycare is good for children for socialization. No, children don't need socialization before three, unless their mother's with them.”

Rapprochement is the emotional refueling process: securely attached children explore the world but repeatedly look back to the parent for reassurance; this is how they become courageous and develop healthy separation, not through being pushed away or left alone.

“There's something called um rapprochement, which is emotional refueling. So, when children start to explore, when you've given them emotional security, and they feel so secure that you're going to be there, then they start to take chances, they start to take risks, they start to toddle off. That's the where the word toddler came from. They toddle away, but guess what they do for emotional security? They look back, and they say, 'Oh, she's there. It's okay.' And then they keep playing. Or, they run back and get a hug, and then they run off again. You are their touchstone of security. And that's how children become courageous.”

Oedipal development (ages 3-6) is a relational/sexual development where boys fall in love with mothers and girls with fathers; if the opposite-sex parent is absent or emotionally unavailable, the child misses this formative romantic relationship, creating a 'missing piece' that shapes adult attachment patterns.

“There's something called Oedipal development, which is sexual development. It's really relational development, but it's sexual development, which is that all little boys fall in love romantically with their mothers and want to marry them. So, all little boys say, 'I want to marry you, Mommy. Daddy, get lost.' It's sort of like that. And all little girls want to be daddy's little princess and marry daddy and want Mommy to get lost. And it's this period of about oh, three to six.”

Between 18-24, nearly 31% of men report no sexual activity in the past year (doubling over 18 years); men account for ~80% of suicides in the US; men feel hopeless, worthless, and lack purpose. Modern society has denigrated men while raising women, creating gender imbalance.

“There's been increased sexual inactivity amongst young men...It's risen to almost 31% of men between the ages of 18 and 24 reporting no sexual activity in the past year. So, that's almost doubled in a in about the space of 18 years.”

A Philippine longitudinal study (N=624, 5 years) found that newly partnered fathers had a 30% decrease in morning testosterone and 35% in evening testosterone; fathers spending 3+ hours daily in childcare had lower testosterone than less-involved fathers; co-sleeping with children further lowered testosterone.

“There was a longitudinal study done in the Philippines that followed 624 men over almost 5 years and found that those who became fathers experienced a significant decline in testosterone levels. Specifically, newly partnered fathers had a medium decrease of almost 30% in morning testosterone and 35% in evening testosterone, which was significantly greater than the declines observed in single non-fathers. Moreover, fathers who reported spending three or more hours daily in child care had lower testosterone levels compared to those less involved in caregiving. And there's also an impact on co-sleeping, where research indicates that fathers who co-sleep with their children exhibit lower testosterone levels than those who do not.”

Technology (especially social media) raises dopamine tenfold higher in adolescents than adults because adolescent brains lack regulatory capacity; this creates addiction, activates the amygdala (stress response), and puts girls particularly into hyper-vigilant states of perfectionism and self-consciousness.

“Technology raises dopamine levels in your brain, which is why adults get addicted to it, too. It's very addictive. Um and the problem is that with adults when you have when you look at technology, it does raise your dopamine, but um there were there was some research to show that technology raises the dopamine in an adolescent's brain tenfold to that of of So, in other words, it would be like if you smoked a joint, it would, you know, make you high. If an adolescent smoked the same joint, it would make them 10 times higher.”

American Pediatric Association recommends no technology under age 2; after age 2, technology should be heavily regulated; watching Mr. Rogers together with a 2-year-old is acceptable, but iPhones and iPads should not be used.

“I think it's the American Pediatric Association says no technology under the age of two for good reason. No iPhones, no iPads, right? Um you want to sit and watch a Mr. Rogers when your baby is two together, a rerun of Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood, that's fine, but no technology.”

Parents project onto their children the desire to be exceptional rather than allowing children to authentically develop, and this narcissistic projection manifests as micro-management of children's development, leading to emotional distance and potential resentment when children realize they are being constructed rather than supported.

“narcissism is abusive to children. When we project our needs and desires and likes and who we are onto our children, we're not letting them authentically be themselves. The greatest gift you can give your child is to see your child as an authentic individual who is an individual and themselves and not to see them as a mini-me.”

Defenses are psychological strategies that protect people and should not be removed by therapists unless they can be replaced with healthier alternatives; defensiveness is a sign of trauma and should be met with curiosity rather than judgment.

“Defenses are important. Defenses protect us. So, and people also have a misunderstanding of what therapy is about. The kind of therapy I'm a psychoanalyst. So, we don't People think you go to therapy and they take your defenses away from you. I would never take someone's defenses away unless I could help them to replace them with healthier defenses. So, what we do is an exchange. Like, you don't take your foot off a landmine unless you have a really big rock to put in its place, right?”

Birth rates in developed countries are falling dramatically (EU: 3.8 million births in 2022 vs. ~7.6 million 60 years ago; France: 670,000 in 2023 vs. 830,000 in 2010); this is worse than economic decline in births because it reflects that society doesn't see value in childrearing and deep relationships.

“The European Union witnessed only 3.8 million births in 2022, nearly half the number recorded six decades ago, marking one of the lowest birth rates in history. France, for example, known for its robust family policies has seen a decrease from 830,000 children born in 2010 to just 670,000 in 2023, the lowest since World War II.”

Children with 4 or more ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences) have nearly 4x the risk of parent-reported ADHD compared to children with no ACEs; additionally, socioeconomic hardship increases ADHD risk by 40%, parental divorce by 35%, familial mental illness by 55%, and neighborhood violence by 50%.

“Children with an A score, which is the trauma bit score, where I think it goes up to 10 different sort of questions, with an A score of four or more, so four experiences of trauma or more, have nearly four times, which is 400% more chance of having parent-reported ADHD compared to children with no ACEs.”

By age 3, 85% of the right brain is developed; this critical period (0-3 years) is when the primary caregiver's presence changes the neurological architecture of the child's brain through neurogenesis (cell growth), and this period is more important than presence later in childhood.

“By 3 years of age, 85% of the right brain is developed. And by 3 years of age, babies can then start to internalize the ability to regulate their own emotions.”

The three types of insecure attachment disorders are: avoidant (child turns away from returning parent, correlated with later depression and difficulty forming attachments), ambivalent (child clings desperately because they fear abandonment again, correlated with anxiety), and disorganized (child cycles through multiple strategies with no consistent strategy, hardest to treat, correlated with borderline personality disorder).

“When a parent comes when the primary attachment figure, usually the mother, comes home and the baby turns away from you and turns toward the babysitter or just turns away. That baby has the beginning of what's called an avoidant attachment disorder. Now, that's correlated later on with things like depression and difficulty forming attachments later on.”

Maternal depletion syndrome exists in developing countries where mothers have too many children in short succession and become depleted physically and emotionally; this illustrates that parenting, while joyful and enriching, is fundamentally stressful and requires tolerance of sleep deprivation, frustration, and discomfort.

“There's something in the developing world called maternal depletion syndrome, which is that mothers can actually die in the developing world of having too many children in too short a period of time. Uh they get depleted physically, but they also get depleted emotionally. I'm going to say it right now so everybody can hear it who's watching this. Having children is stressful. It is frustrating. It does require that you are sleepless for the first 5 years.”

Young men are experiencing a mental health and existential crisis: 31% of men aged 18-24 report no sexual activity in the past year (nearly doubled over ~18 years); men account for nearly 80% of suicides in the US; men report feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness and struggle to find meaning and purpose, partly because society has taken away their evolutionary roles (protection, provision) without replacement.

“there's been increased sexual inactivity amongst young men, which is an interesting stat. It's risen to almost 31% of men between the ages of 18 and 24 reporting no sexual activity in the past year... Men account for nearly 80% of all suicides in the US... an increasing amount of men feel hopeless and worthless... struggling with finding meaning and purpose in the world.”

Breastfeeding and skin-to-skin contact are not arbitrary cultural practices but biological necessities for infants; they are how mothers regulate babies' nervous systems, establish oxytocin protection against stress, and create the conditions for secure attachment.

“In men, don't breastfeed. So, that's the first thing. Unless you can show me a man who has grown breasts and can actually breastfeed, maybe it's coming. I don't know. But for now, um women's bodies connect them to their babies. They connect them through birth. They connect them through breastfeeding.”

The birth rate decline in developed countries (EU: 3.8 million births in 2022 vs. ~7 million six decades ago; France: 670,000 in 2023 vs. 830,000 in 2010, lowest since WWII) is not primarily about economics but about a cultural shift where people no longer see value in raising children and having deep familial relationships as a priority.

“The European Union witnessed only 3.8 million births in 2022, nearly half the number recorded six decades ago, marking one of the lowest birth rates in history. France, for example, known for its robust family policies has seen a decrease from 830,000 children born in 2010 to just 670,000 in 2023, the lowest since World War II.”

There are two types of trauma: Big T (concrete, severe events like abuse, death, rape, accident) and little t (nuanced, relational, often invisible—subtle neglect, emotionally absent parents, not feeling heard or understood); little t trauma is more common than Big T trauma and is the root cause of most depression, anxiety, and ADHD in therapy populations, but society doesn't recognize little t as legitimate trauma.

“There's something called big T trauma, right? Big T traumas like I was in a car accident and I lost my legs or you know, I lost my parents, you know, my mother died of brain cancer or my my father was an alcoholic and beat me or you know, there's there are things that are more concrete that you can like hold on to... But believe it or not, probably fewer people suffer from big T trauma and more people suffer from little T trauma. And little T trauma is more nuanced... I was subtly neglected by my mother. My mother wasn't a good listener. My mother loved me but she my father loved me but he never understood me.”

Life is long (humans may live well over 100 years); there is a small window in which children need intensive parental presence (0-3 years especially), but many decades afterwards in which parents can pursue careers and personal ambitions; delaying career ambitions to be present in the critical window is a rational trade-off, not a sacrifice.

“The good news is life is long. You may live till 120 like Moses and I think of your generation, you're younger than me, but um I think you probably will live well over 100. Um and so what that means is you have many, many, many, many, many, many years to have a fabulous career when your children don't need you so much, but you have a very small window to create that emotional security for your children that will be the core of them.”

Women's educational attainment now exceeds men's (60%+ of university and graduate students are women), but women marry at or above their educational level while men marry at or below theirs; this creates a mismatch where highly educated women cannot find partners at their level, partly because men have been systematically diminished educationally and professionally.

“I think 60% of universities are women now, as well as graduate schools. And so that means and the studies show that men will marry at their educational level or below. Women will only marry at their educational level or above. And by diminishing men so much in terms of our education and professions, we've basically taken men's purpose away.”

The current mental health treatment model for children treats symptoms (pain management) through medication (CBT, therapy) rather than addressing root causes; this is 'malpractice' because it silences children's pain without asking 'where is this stress coming from' or 'what is this child's distress telling us about the family system'.

“The way that the mental health care system works now, it's like what I call cutting the grass. Uh children are medicated, which is basically just pain management. Um they're given CBT therapy, which again is just pain management. But why aren't we asking the important questions, which is where does emotional regulation originate?”

Guilt is not a bad emotion; it is a sign that the ego is functioning properly and that a person can distinguish right from wrong; if a parent feels nothing when their baby cries, it indicates early trauma or an attachment disorder in the parent themselves; parents should turn toward guilt (examine it) rather than turning away from it, because internal conflict often leads to better decisions.

“Guilt is a sign that your ego is functioning. It's a sign that the part of you, the part of your ego called the superego, can identify something that feels right and wrong. So, if you look at a baby who's crying, who's your baby, and you feel nothing, that means that there's a part of you that is dead inside... It means that they probably have some kind of attachment disorder where they can't be attuned to their their baby's pain, right?”

Quality time with children is a 'narcissistic fantasy'; you cannot be present for children only on your own time—children need you when they need you, which requires quantity of time, not just quality. A child cannot internalize security from brief periods of parental attention.

“Quality versus quantity time. Myth. You need to be there a quality of time as well as a quantity of time. You can't have a fabulous career and then come home and be present for your child on your time. It needs to be on their time.”

There is no genetic precursor to ADHD, depression, or anxiety; what appears heritable is actually the inheritance of acquired characteristics—if your parent had depression, you're more likely to be depressed because you were raised by a depressed parent, not because of genes. Schizophrenia and bipolar disorder do have genetic connections, but ADHD does not.

“We know that there is no genetic precursor to mental illness. There is no genetic precursor to ADHD. There is no genetic precursor to depression and no genetic precursor to anxiety. What do you mean by precursor? Meaning there's no genetic connection. You don't get it in your genes. If your father or your mother were depressed, you get it by something called the inheritance of acquired characteristics. If you're raised by a depressed parent, you're more likely to become depressed. It's the nature nurture argument. Okay, but what they did find Now, schizophrenia has a genetic connection, bipolar disorder, those have genetic, but the rest do not. Anxiety, depression, ADHD, no genetics.”

The rhesus monkey study (Harlow) demonstrated that baby monkeys with wire mothers became neurotic but clung to them (ambivalent attachment), while monkeys given nothing 'literally lost their minds,' showing that physical contact, not just nutrition, is essential for psychological development.

“Well, they took these baby rhesus monkeys and they they let some be with the mothers and the mothers nurtured those babies and those babies became healthily attached and secure and those were the healthy emotionally healthy babies. Then they gave um another subset of monkeys um a wire mother covered with a piece of cloth or fur or something. And those babies became very neurotic, but at least they were clinging. They became like the ambivalent attachment babies because there was no response from the mother, but at least they were holding on to this mother. And then they gave and these babies became very neurotic and then they gave this subset of babies nothing. And those babies literally lost their minds.”

Healing childhood trauma requires relationship, not just insight or behavioral technique; psychodynamic or psychoanalytic therapy creates a reparative relationship where the therapist's consistent, non-judgmental presence over time heals, not their interpretations.

“The way that I would put it is it takes a relationship to cause the trauma and it takes another relationship to repair it...Therapy requires the consistency of a relationship with the therapist because it's through that therapist seeing you through the ups and downs of your life, reflecting your feelings. It's It's a kind of emotionally reparative experience, but it's not what the therapist says as much as the relationship. The long-standing relationship with a therapist. So, what's healing is the relationship rather than the interpretations.”

Parenting is a team sport, not a competitive sport; modern couples compete over everything (money, childcare, who contributes more) instead of complementing each other's different roles, which creates marital conflict and divorce.

“Parenting is a team sport, not a competitive sport. And so, what's happening today because of all this gender neutrality and we're as I'm as good as you and you're as good as me and we're the same, it means that couples are competing with one another. And that's causing so much tension because what's best is when couples compliment each other. When their differences mean that as a team, they work well to care for a child.”

Certain careers are inherently incompatible with being a present primary attachment figure, including executive leadership positions requiring constant travel and absence from family events, and parents in such careers cannot be good parents regardless of effort or quality time.

“there are certain careers that are harder to be a good mother. Period. I'm saying that, I know it's a harsh talk, but there it is. There are certain careers that are too demanding to be present for your children. Whether you're a mother or a father.”

Modern society encourages women to 'have it all'—career, motherhood, freedom—but without supporting infrastructure (paid leave, flexible work, extended family), this ideology sets mothers up to fail and creates guilt and resentment.

“That if you want to raise healthy children, it's going to require discomfort and frustration and sacrifice. And what's interesting is that what's also happened is because we're raising our children in such a selfish, self-centered environment. Um, young people are more fragile. They are more emotionally fragile.”

The feminist and 'me movement' of the 1960s had positive impacts on women's rights and independence but also had deeply negative unintended consequences: societal abandonment of children's needs, rise in self-centeredness over collective family welfare, and cultural devaluation of parenting and motherhood as legitimate life pursuits.

“the me movement of the '60s and also the feminist movement. Both of those movements which had a tremendously positive impact on society in one way also had a tremendously negative impact on society. When women decided that it was cool to go to work and to work full-time out of the home, you know, everybody cheered and said, 'Great, you know, women have the same rights as men and now everybody can be in the workforce and be independent and make money and do their own thing. Me, me, me, me, me.' The problem is that children were dropped. They were abandoned.”

Mothers in impoverished communities (e.g., 'projects in Harlem') often do stay home with their babies and prioritize time with them; the idea that poor mothers can't afford to be present is not the real barrier—the barrier is in wealthy, privileged populations who choose isolation and prioritize career over presence.

“it's not the mothers in the projects in Harlem cuz I'll tell you the mothers in the projects in Harlem stay home with their babies. That's what's interesting. Very poor people in America.”