10 Game-Changing Tips for Managing the Mental Load with ADHD

An effective to-do list system has two lists: a 'wish list' of all the stuff you would like to do, and a separate list of the stuff you are actually going to do; this prevents the wish list from cluttering up your brain and allows you to focus only on the realistic list.

“a way that I really love doing this is you have your your to-do list that's like your wish list like all the stuff I'd like to do but then you have another to-do list that's the stuff you're actually going to do so that you're not cluttering up your brain with all of the things it's just you just have to focus on the things that you want to do”

Jessica uses a personal strategy of moving objects from one place to another to where she knows she will look in the morning to reduce forgetfulness (e.g., moving her kids' vitamins to the dining table), which does not save execution time but is a comfort to her ADHD brain; she also uses a bobby pin placed on her nightstand as a visual cue to remind her to schedule a haircut appointment tomorrow, allowing her to stop holding the thought and fall asleep.

“there's something else that I do that my husband kind of makes fun of me for in a loving way you know everybody always says you know lay out the clothes that you want to put out you want to wear the next day that helps you avoid having to make that choice and whatnot um you know get the bags ready yes yes to all of that there's something else that I do that saves me absolutely zero time when it comes to execution but it is a comfort to my soul and to my brain to my ADHD brain which is I just move objects from one place to another to the place where I know I'm going to look in the morning it's like my kids my kids vitamins right every morning they have to take them but I won't remember if I don't put it on the dining table... like sometimes if I'm having trouble falling asleep and I'm like I I don't want to have to carry this thought anymore I will take like a bobby pin out of my hair and I'll put it on my nightstand and be like that bobby pin means that I need to schedule a hair haircut tomorrow”

Delegating single tasks is still burdensome because you carry the mental load of thinking about what needs to be done, whether it got done, and following up; but delegating an entire domain of responsibility shifts both the execution and the mental labor, so you don't have to think about it anymore.

“if you need help rather than delegating single tasks because you're still carrying the mental load for that right you still have to think about like what is it he needs to do ask him to do it follow up on whether or not he did it it's it's actually sometimes a heavier mental load than if you just do it yourself and that's a lot of what we come to right it's like it would have been easier if I just did it myself that is true for a lot of individual tasks right but if you delegate an entire area of responsibility now you're not just delegating the execution of that task you're delegating the mental labor rather than saying hey could you empty the dishwasher you can say hey can you be in charge of the dishes right so you don't have to think about like what dishes need to be done have has the dishwasher been run does it need to be empty did they actually empty like you don't have to think about it”

A strategy to make helping more effective: instead of asking someone 'How can I help?', offer them choices (a multiple-choice question rather than an open-ended essay) about what specific tasks you could do; for example, instead of 'What should I make for dinner?', offer 'Would you like spaghetti or tacos?' This reduces the mental load required for the person to accept help.

“they suggested you know you can ask somebody yes I actually do need help but can you give me a choice of what you could do to help would you rather answer answer a multiple choice question or would you rather write you know a a long a short form essay to answer a question when you're kind of under duress when you're stressed out so like the example I talked about earlier with like the the dinner and the cartoon it's like if that person had said okay um I'll help out I'm going to make dinner tonight do you want spaghetti or do you want tacos imagine how much easier that is to cope with”

A common theme Laura hears from people on the ADHD aha podcast is exhaustion, including from an ADHD coach named Emily Weinberg who described getting so exhausted by choices and thinking during the day that she appears lazy laying on the couch, feels guilty about appearing not to do anything, when really she's just trying to gather strength to make a choice.

“what I hear very very often like the word if I had to make a word bubble of all the things people are saying it would be exhausted an ADHD coach who came on named Emily Weinberg was talking about how gets so exhausted by all of the choices and the thinking that need to happen during the day that she looks lazy she's laying on the couch all the time and people think she's just not doing anything and then she's feeling guilty about appearing to be not doing anything but she's just trying to gather up the strength to make”

A major source of unnecessary mental load is thinking about future tasks that cannot yet be acted upon (e.g., 'next year I need to remember to schedule this appointment for my child'), which takes up mental space even though it is not actionable right now; setting a calendar reminder in the future (e.g., Google Calendar invitation for January 31, 2028) to discuss or act on that item allows the brain to stop constantly reminding itself about it.

“what else can we do to lighten our mental load... do you know what kinds of things kind of always seep in and really distract me and amplify my mental load but there's there's nothing productive about it are the things that I'm like oh next year I need to remember to make sure that I scheduled this kind of appointment for my child but it's not something I can do for a year yeah right it's not something you can you can take action on yet right there's nothing there's nothing actional about it and it just takes up so much space in my brain and like I I've started to do this thing where I will like set a date in the future in my Google Calendar and just be like okay and I will invite my husband to it and just be like okay talk about X on January you know 31st of 20 28 or whatever so hopefully we're all still using like Google Calendars by then or else all of these thoughts will be lost”

When everything feels like it's on fire, getting your perspective closer to the problem (your face out of the candle) helps you realize that often it's just one moment, not a total catastrophe.

“there's something I like to say which is um if the entire if it looks like the entire world is on fire get your face out of the candle sometimes you're just a little too close to it and you kind of need to step back and get a little perspective like okay this was one moment in an entire day did I actually ruin everything”

When people are out of their normal routines, nothing is automatic and they have to think through every step of their day, creating a heavier mental load than usual—Jessica describes this as 'manual mode'—and set shifting (having to adjust on a dime when plans change) adds to this burden

“the mental load we talk about it a lot when it comes to women but if you have ADHD it can impact you regardless I I will say my partner has been really great too and helping with the baby and stuff but the set shifting has been really tough we're both out of our normal routines and so there's a heavier mental load when you're essentially in what I call manual mode where nothing's automatic you're having to think through every step of your day because you're out of your normal routines and so that's already a heavy mental load and then set shifting having to adjust on dime right”

There is a term called 'after-school restraint collapse' which describes the phenomenon where children hold themselves together at school and then fall apart when they get home, and the concept should be extended to adults as 'after-work restraint collapse.'

“I love there's a term for that which I love which is after school restraint collapse have you heard this term yep I've heard that term yeah yeah I I feel like we need to we need to introduce after work restraint Cass”

Jessica does not write out to-do lists for herself (and notes this is probably not great for the mental load) but instead focuses on three things: if she gets those three things done, she will consider the day a success, and everything else is a bonus; this approach came from Dr. Patrick Latham and is 'game-changing' because it defines success by a doable measure.

“I'm not really great at actually writing out to- do list for myself but I'll do a mental list which is probably not great for the mental load but it's I can't find pens ever paper so another issue I've got to figure I've got to solve that problem but that's not today's problem today what I do is like three things like what three things if I get those things done will I consider today a success and I got that from Dr Dr Patrick l I love that and it's gamechanging right because now you've defined success by a measure that is actually doable right and then anything else is a bonus”

When you snap at your kids or emotionally spiral and are ruminating and beating yourself up about it at work, strategies for emotional regulation include: (1) treating yourself the way you treat others and being kind to yourself; (2) getting perspective ('get your face out of the candle') to see that one moment was one moment in an entire day and you did not actually ruin everything; (3) understanding that sleep impacts emotional regulation and prioritizing sleep so you are not more dysregulated tomorrow.

“can you be Robin Williams and Goodwill Hunting to yourself I guess is a question that I would ask like can you say to yourself like it's not my fault and this happened and we are going to move on and we're going to cope from this it's not worth my energy right now to just keep going and keep going and keep going right... I get so fixated on what I snapped and then the fact that now this moment is ruined and now the fact that like how do I how do I stop this how can I erase this I just want to erase that this happened because now I've ruined the day you didn't ruin the day you can't erase it... there's something I like to say which is um if the entire if it looks like the entire world is on fire get your face out of the candle sometimes you're just a little too close to it and you kind of need to step back and get a little perspective like okay this was one moment in an entire day did I actually ruin everything”

Jessica and her partner have recently started using a system called 'Fair Play,' which includes a card deck representing different areas of household responsibility (dishes, laundry, tidying, organizing, pet care, etc.); partners divide up the cards so each person has an equitable workload, and each person is responsible for Conception, Planning, and Execution (CPE) of their assigned domain, not just execution; this prevents the situation where one partner conceives and plans while the other only executes, which leaves the mental load on the first person.

“we actually just started doing a system called fair play and we'll link to that in the description um there's a great book uh about it it is it is highly gendered it assumes that you are the baguer woman in the relationship that's been doing way too much you can skip past that part if you're already on board like yes I would like to divide up you know chores and tasks in my home in a way that's Equitable you can just skip to the part of the book that talks about what the cards are how to do it but there's a book and then there's this card deck and I love it because you you have all of these cards that represent areas of responsibility in your home um so dishes laundry tidying and organizing um you know Pet Care all all of these things right and you divide up the cards so that you're each getting an equitable amount of cards and then you are responsible for she calls it CP so cons ception planning and execution of these tasks so it's not like you're responsible for conceiving and planning and then you a you ask your partner to help with the execution because then what happens is what happened with your husband of they don't have context for the for the situation they just know this random task came at them out of nowhere and like they were supposed to do it but then they forgot to do it and now like they feel bad you're frustrated it is gamechanging so there are areas of my life that I don't even have to to think about because that's that's my partner's job and he's got the card”

Mallerie Ban, quoted in an ADHD aha interview, described how she put perfectionist expectations on herself as a child not because her parents demanded it, but because 'making any type of mistake just wasn't an option ever,' leading to a belief that if she made mistakes 'someone's going to find out and someone's going to figure out' she was not perfect; she felt she had to hide not just mistakes but other ADHD traits (talking too much, not taking turns in conversation, bouncing legs, big reactions) because these would expose her as 'different,' and the fear of exposure created a domino effect of masking.

“making any type of mistake that just like wasn't an option ever not because that's what my parents said I was actually putting these expectations on for myself you had to be perfect and if you weren't well bad things were going to happen someone's going to find out and someone's going to figure out other characteristics about you of oh you're not perfect and you're really annoying because you don't ever stop talking and you don't know how to take turns in a conversation and your legs always bouncing and you often have really big reactions to things it just depended on what it was but then it was sort of a domino effect where one thing led to another led to another and I didn't want to be exposed as here were some traits that were maybe different or that I guess rather I was n really comfortable with or didn't understand that like in the ADHD world that's really normal”

Jessica has implemented 'after work restraint collapse' strategies in her own life—building in strategies to give herself space to have emotional collapse in private where she's not hurting anybody's feelings

“I feel like we need to we need to introduce after work restraint Cass I've kind of implemented that in my own life in a way like just like well the opposite of like trying to build in strategies to give myself space to have that in a private space where I'm not hurting anybody's feelings essentially”

It is easier to say 'no, I'm fine, I'll handle it' when offered help than to advocate for what you actually need, because articulating needs is itself more mental work on top of an already crushing mental load; being able to say 'yes I do need help' with specific requests ('can you give me choices, not 50 choices, can you give me an A or B') requires self-advocacy that is exhausting.

“because like yeah advocating for yourself and saying this is what I need because a lot of times um it's really easy to say like no it's fine like I I'll handle it because it is more work it is more mental work on top of your already crushing mental load to try and come up with the things that you need to help yourself so it's easier to just say no I'm fine I'll take care of it um but being able to say yes I do need help can you give me choices and not like 50 Choice like can you give me a couple of T yeah give me an A or give me a true false test”

Perfectionism comes into play when trying to live up to neurotypical standards; self-awareness of struggling can be painful because one knows what one is struggling with and is working on it, but also knows one is struggling and wants to do it perfectly, leading to an internal voice saying 'I don't want to inconvenience anybody, I don't want to be a burden, and I can do this just as well as somebody else.'

“this is where perfectionism often comes in like trying to live up to these neurotypical standards and this is where self-awareness is can be really painful right if you've worked hard to have self-awareness of what you're struggling with and you know that you're working on it you also know that you're struggling with it and you want to do it perfectly right there's this little voice in your head that's like no no no I don't want to I don't want to inconvenience anybody and I don't want to I don't want to be a burden and I can do this just as well as somebody else”

Emotional dysregulation around 'How can I help?' happens when the person is asked with best intentions and kindness, but the person needing help is overwhelmed and cannot articulate what they need ('I don't know'), triggering crying; it's like when someone gives you a hug when you're holding back tears and that physical compassion triggers emotional release.

“like a lot of times Jessica we my emotional disregulation comes in is when I get asked that question and every it's like the people it's asked with the best of intentions like a lot of kindness It's people truly mean it like I want to help you how can I help you and my reaction is I don't know and that's where the crying comes in it's kind of like when you're trying to hold back tears and then somebody gives you a hug and then you just that's when you start crying”

Jesse Anderson (ADHD aha podcast guest) didn't know he had memory problems before diagnosis—he knew he struggled with time, had anger difficulties, and was distracted, but memory impairment wasn't obvious to him until ADHD diagnosis

“that was kind of one of those things of many that were obvious to my wife and she didn't know at the time that ADHD was sort of behind I didn't know that I had any memory issues before I got diagnosed like I knew that I struggled with time I knew I had like difficulties with anger and I knew that I was distracted by things I didn't know it was adg but I kind of knew about those things but the memory I had no idea that I had a problem with memory”

During nap times when children are very small, Jessica experienced analysis paralysis and exhaustion; she could not figure out how long the nap would be (20 minutes, 40 minutes, 2 hours), could not relax, and became stuck in a mental loop of deciding whether to do laundry, dishes, or organize things rather than actually resting.

“I have never felt that part the analysis paralysis so strongly is you when I had my kids their nap times were like torture for me because I think every single nap time they had I immediately went into that analysis paralysis exhausted can't do anything didn't do anything just like spin cycle... do I have 20 minutes do I have 40 minutes you're exhausted you just want to sit down for a minute but sitting down for a minute for me meant sitting down for the remainder but not relaxing... I would like to sit down for five minutes and then do something but the five minutes of quote unquote rest turns into are they going to wake up in 20 minutes do I have 2 hours do I have laundry to do should I do the dish should I organize stuff”

A parenting breakthrough came from realizing 'they're not supposed to be well-behaved, they're kids,' which totally flipped the script and made the parent magically a little bit more patient; this same realization applied to oneself—you are not supposed to regulate your emotions perfectly, you have ADHD—can reduce the pressure and internal shame that drives emotional collapse.

“a big breakthrough moment for me as a parent getting so frustrated in the morning and at night with my kids and being like why won't you just do the routine the way you're supposed to be doing it I had this realization through my therapist and I took my husband aside into a corner like we were telling like some amazing secret and I was like they're not supposed to be well behaved they're kids like having that realization it just totally flipped the script and I was like magically a little bit more patient and if you can do that with yourself too that's amazing trying to control what can't be controlled is part of what puts us on edge”

Laura sets future calendar events and invites her husband so that both can process the decision together at the right time rather than carrying the mental burden continuously

“I will invite my husband to it and just be like okay talk about X on January you know 31st of 20 28 or whatever so hopefully we're all still using like Google Calendars by then or else all of these thoughts will be lost”

A recent example of mental load challenge for Laura: her son is in summer camp doing a Junior Olympics event on Friday where he needs to wear a specific outfit, but Laura asked her neurotypical husband to get details about the outfit during camp dropoff while she was at work, and he forgot to ask—now Laura has to remember to remind him again and figure out whether to order something, adding to her mental burden.

“my son is in is in summer camp right now and they're doing this Junior Olympics thing uh on Friday of this week... I said to him when you drop off our son can you please ask the the coach at the camp what is the outfit that he's supposed to wear on Friday right what's the outfit and my husband forgot to do that... now I have to remember to remind you again to ask about what is what is he going to wear on Friday and I don't know if I need to order something on Amazon or something like that I don't know and so I got really really frustrated”