Dr. Patrick Latham (a researcher and mental health professional who reviews videos on the understood.org Channel) has a strategy for laundry: putting a sock on the door knob as a visual cue so that he will remember to change the laundry before he leaves.

Laura sets future calendar events and invites her husband so that both can process the decision together at the right time rather than carrying the mental burden continuously

Trying to control what cannot be controlled puts you on edge, increases mental load beyond what is necessary, and makes emotional regulation harder; acceptance of what is uncontrollable is a form of psychological relief.

A key strategy to lighten mental load is externalizing as much as possible, meaning literally getting things out of your brain and into external systems; writing down what is in your brain and seeing if there's anything that can be offloaded; even a simple whiteboard in the house where you write down things so you don't have to remember them in your brain reduces mental load.

ADHD impacts sleep in adults—many adults with ADHD have sleep disorders including restless leg syndrome, delayed sleep phase syndrome, and sleep apnea, which are all common with ADHD

It is easier to say 'no, I'm fine, I'll handle it' when offered help than to advocate for what you actually need, because articulating needs is itself more mental work on top of an already crushing mental load; being able to say 'yes I do need help' with specific requests ('can you give me choices, not 50 choices, can you give me an A or B') requires self-advocacy that is exhausting.

An effective to-do list system has two lists: a 'wish list' of all the stuff you would like to do, and a separate list of the stuff you are actually going to do; this prevents the wish list from cluttering up your brain and allows you to focus only on the realistic list.

The mental load colloquially refers to the cognitive and emotional labor of running a household, including managing and planning not just one's own schedule but the schedules of all family members (children's activities, appointments, sleep times, etc.), whereas in research contexts mental load specifically refers to the load on working memory and executive functions.

Anybody with a heavy mental load will not perform very well because the cognitive load impacts their ability to get things done, but this disproportionately affects people with ADHD because they already have executive function challenges including relative weakness in working memory and impaired working memory.

On Laura's podcast ADHD aha, women talk more often than men about struggling with mental load, which reflects broader gender patterns: women do 75% of unpaid caregiving across the globe, so it is not surprising that the mental load is a bigger challenge for women and harder to manage.

Perfectionism comes into play when trying to live up to neurotypical standards; self-awareness of struggling can be painful because one knows what one is struggling with and is working on it, but also knows one is struggling and wants to do it perfectly, leading to an internal voice saying 'I don't want to inconvenience anybody, I don't want to be a burden, and I can do this just as well as somebody else.'

A strategy to make helping more effective: instead of asking someone 'How can I help?', offer them choices (a multiple-choice question rather than an open-ended essay) about what specific tasks you could do; for example, instead of 'What should I make for dinner?', offer 'Would you like spaghetti or tacos?' This reduces the mental load required for the person to accept help.

Emotional dysregulation around 'How can I help?' happens when the person is asked with best intentions and kindness, but the person needing help is overwhelmed and cannot articulate what they need ('I don't know'), triggering crying; it's like when someone gives you a hug when you're holding back tears and that physical compassion triggers emotional release.

Visual cues are really powerful for managing mental load, and the weirder the visual cue the better it sometimes works because unusual visual cues grab attention and stick in memory more effectively than routine ones.

When you snap at your kids or emotionally spiral and are ruminating and beating yourself up about it at work, strategies for emotional regulation include: (1) treating yourself the way you treat others and being kind to yourself; (2) getting perspective ('get your face out of the candle') to see that one moment was one moment in an entire day and you did not actually ruin everything; (3) understanding that sleep impacts emotional regulation and prioritizing sleep so you are not more dysregulated tomorrow.

A common theme Laura hears from people on the ADHD aha podcast is exhaustion, including from an ADHD coach named Emily Weinberg who described getting so exhausted by choices and thinking during the day that she appears lazy laying on the couch, feels guilty about appearing not to do anything, when really she's just trying to gather strength to make a choice.

Delegating single tasks is still burdensome because you carry the mental load of thinking about what needs to be done, whether it got done, and following up; but delegating an entire domain of responsibility shifts both the execution and the mental labor, so you don't have to think about it anymore.

When everything feels like it's on fire, getting your perspective closer to the problem (your face out of the candle) helps you realize that often it's just one moment, not a total catastrophe.

A recent example of mental load challenge for Laura: her son is in summer camp doing a Junior Olympics event on Friday where he needs to wear a specific outfit, but Laura asked her neurotypical husband to get details about the outfit during camp dropoff while she was at work, and he forgot to ask—now Laura has to remember to remind him again and figure out whether to order something, adding to her mental burden.

Be kind to yourself knowing that exhaustion from mental load with ADHD is part of having ADHD, it's not your fault, and you can cope with this