Top Dating Expert: Only 1% of Daters Do this
What this covers
No.1 Dating Expert LOGAN URY reveals how to create a profile that gets results, find lasting love, avoid the 'spark' trap, and master effective texting.
Logan is a behavioral scientist, dating coach, and the Director of Relationship Science at Hinge. She’s the bestselling author of How Not to Die Alone.
You’ll learn * Why the spark is overrated * The 8 questions to ask yourself after a first date * How to date like a scientist * How to text when dating * polyamory, orbiting, and modern rules: boundaries that prevent slow-burn heartache * profiles that get results: photos, prompts, and the small edits that change your matches
00:00 Welcome 01:53 The Spark 05:25 Dating in the Modern Environment 06:15 The Post-Date 8 12:51 Dating Like a Scientist 15:02 The height thing... 17:05 The Difference Between Spark and Lust 24:43 The Fear of Rejection 27:05 Attachment Theory 46:36 Understanding Attachment Styles in Relationships 50:11 Texting Etiquette 01:03:43 Post-First Date Communication 01:06:55 Polyamory 01:11:50 Orbiting 01:16:45 Assumptions and Misunderstandings in Dating 01:35:31 Decision Points in Relationships 01:39:56 Having Difficult Conversations in Relationships 01:49:18 Other Significant Others 01:57:15 Breaking Up Respectfully 02:00:16 Creating Effective Dating Profiles ------------ Follow Logan Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/loganury/?hl=en ------------ Follow Shane: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/farnamstreet Twitter: https://x.com/shaneaparrish LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/shane-parrish-050a2183/
ABOUT THE KNOWLEDGE PROJECT Like the mentor you’ve always dreamed of having, The Knowledge Project shares timely yet timeless lessons for work and life. Past guests include Naval Ravikant, Daniel Kahneman, Jim Collins, Angela Duckworth, Seth Godin, Melanie Mitchell, & Esther Perel.
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Logan Ury teaches that dating success comes from shifting focus from evaluating compatibility on first dates to having genuine experiences, managing attachment patterns, and making intentional relationship decisions rather than passively sliding through transitions.
- The 'spark' is often anxiety or incompatibility disguised as chemistry, while actual relationship viability depends on trust, emotional stability, and compatible values that grow over time
- Attachment theory explains why anxious and avoidant people reinforce unhealthy patterns; becoming secure requires self-awareness and often involves deliberately committing to one person rather than maintaining multiple options
- Relationship milestones (exclusivity, moving in, marriage, children) are decision points requiring intentional conversation, not automatic transitions; explicit communication about expectations prevents heartbreak from unspoken assumptions
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The core fear underlying many dating difficulties is 'if somebody really knew all of me, they wouldn't love me'—people believe they are unlovable because of perceived flaws (chronic illness, STI, relationship history, etc.), but vulnerability and imperfection are actually what create connection.
“it's often that vulnerability and that imperfection that connects people because I think about friends of mine or people I know who come across as perfect and I'm like you have such a glossy exterior that there's nothing for me to grab on to actually need cracks in the wall to grasp onto and to have a connection with you and to feel like I can be my full imperfect self and so it's like the thing that we think makes us unlovable is often what makes somebody feel comfortable around us but if we truly feel like we're unlovable we never open up and give somebody the chance to see that for themselves”
Only 11% of people experience love at first sight, meaning the majority of long-term relationships develop over time as attraction and appreciation grow gradually rather than being determined by an instant spark.
“we know from research that only 11% of people feel love at first sight and that means many people are getting to know someone over time maybe they live in the same apartment building they work in the same place and that attraction and appreciation grows over time”
When someone gives you an uncertain or 'hot-cold' feeling in dating, that feeling may actually be anxiety and alarm bells rather than genuine chemistry, especially if the person is intermittently interested or emotionally unavailable.
“sometimes certain people give us the spark because we actually don't know how they feel about us so sort of that hot cold feeling makes us Wonder does he like me does he not like me and through that we end up feeling what we think of as butterflies or chemistry but it's actually anxiety and it's actually alarm bells in our head going off do they like me do they not like me am I accepted”
People who appear confident, secure, and unapologetic about what they want (rather than people who pull away or play games) are more attractive long-term because they signal stability and healthy self-worth.
“a lot of the work that I do is training people to identify secure partners and to reestablish them in their heads not as boring but as secure and to know that those are the people to go after”
Emotional stability—how a person deals with adversity and frustration, whether they can pause and think before reacting—is a critical predictor of long-term relationship success, though difficult to assess on a first date.
“another one is emotional stability and that's also hard to figure out on a first date but how does this person deal with adversity how does this person deal with frustration are they somebody who can sort of pause and think before they react”
Dan Gilbert's research showed that when people cannot change their mind about a choice, they're happier with that choice than when they can change it—commitment increases satisfaction because it reduces post-choice rumination and doubt.
“the people who didn't have the chance to change their mind were actually more satisfied because they made a commitment and they immediately rationalized it and they felt good about it when you can change your mind you start wondering well that picture's a little sharper but this one's original a little more original and maybe people in London will like this one more and so you sort of start making this proon list in your head that actually works against you because you start doubting your original answer”
Dating apps and unlimited options have created a problem where people can have an average first date, then immediately open their app and see 16 new potential matches who seem more exciting, which makes it nearly impossible to develop slow-burn connections in modern dating.
“you go home and you you pick up your app and you open hinge you open whatever app you're using and you had a average but maybe slightly above average date that could be a slow burn and now you got 16 new messages from all these people who are more exciting and how do you do a Slow Burn in that case when all of these people oh like look at this person they're hot oh they want to text me and they want to see me”
Meeting in the middle—having both people take steps toward each other—is the ideal relationship dynamic; if one person is always reaching out and the other never reciprocates, momentum is lost.
“it's about matching somebody's momentum and matching somebody's speed so it's a dance where I take a step forward and then you need to take a step forward if I take 10 steps forward you might feel overwhelmed and take a step back so just paying attention to are you always the one reaching out are you always the one making plans there needs to be momentum matching”
Compersion—the ability to feel pleasure when a partner gets pleasure—is a real neurobiological difference; some people genuinely experience it, while others (like the host) are too jealous/anxious to enjoy open relationships, and neither is wrong.
“there's this concept of compersion have you heard of that it's a word that means I get pleasure when you get pleasure so like kind of the first polyamorous couple that I got to know about 10 years ago I remember the guy describing to me oh tonight my wife has a date with her boyfriend and I'm really excited for her”
For avoidantly attached people, the danger zone is when they feel overwhelmed by closeness; they respond with deactivating strategies (convincing themselves the person isn't attractive, isn't smart, etc.); the solution is to recognize when you need space and ask for it directly rather than finding reasons to dismiss the person.
“for avoid and attach people it's the same thing the danger zone is when you feel really overcome by them and that you're losing your Independence and you might notice strategies that happen for you so with anxiously attached people it's activating strategies and with avoiding attached people it's deactivating strategy so in your head you start thinking H they're not really that cute I'm not interested in them or I can't believe she pronounced that word that way she must not be that smart so it's almost like you're giving yourself a reason why you don't like them to push away... instead what to do in those moments is to really realize that you need space and just ask for it”
The third myth of the spark is that having strong initial chemistry guarantees a viable relationship; in reality, couples can have very exciting beginnings that fizzle out quickly, and staying in a relationship for the story of how you met is not a sound strategy.
“the third myth is that if you have a spark the relationship is viable we also know that that's not true just because you met the right way doesn't mean that it's the right relationship and so you can have a very Sparky beginning but it can fizzle out quickly and you shouldn't stay in the relationship because you had a really good we met story”
Only 14% of men in the United States are 6 feet or taller, meaning a woman who insists on a 6-foot minimum is eliminating 86% of the male population from consideration, which becomes irrational filtering if that criterion hasn't worked out after years of dating.
“in the United States only 14% of men are 6 feet or taller so now you are eliminating 86% of the male population you've been actively dating for 12 years this has not worked out for you so far why don't you change your filter on the dating apps be willing to date somebody who's shorter”
Looks and money matter less for long-term relationship success than people think. Brains adapt to physical attractiveness over time (even celebrities known to be attractive are cheated on), and the research on money suggests that happiness plateaus after a certain income threshold (originally $75,000, now higher).
“our brains adapt to them over time and so if you think about some of the most beautiful celebrities in the world there are often people kind of known to humanity who have cheated on them and so it's like if even these people that are considered the most attractive by cultural standards are being cheated on there's this idea that people adapt over time to somebody's looks and even if someone's really attractive we get used to that over time the same thing is true with money I know this amount of money has changed over the last few years but you know they used to say happiness doesn't change over $75,000”
When our brains get an incomplete picture of something, we fill in the gaps in ways that make the picture more positive, which is why dating app profiles lead people to build fantasies about matches before meeting in person.
“there's research on the brain that shows when our brain gets an incomplete picture of something we fill in the gaps in a way that makes it more positive so have you ever seen a black and white photo of yourself and think huh I look pretty good in that... the point is that by taking out the color and actually some of the information our brain fills in the Gap and it actually often looks more Ive than it does the same thing happens on dating app profiles”
If you make assumptions about what people want to avoid disappointing them, you often get it wrong and make decisions on their behalf, which is worse than having an uncomfortable conversation and finding a happy medium together.
“the feedback that I'm getting from my coach and from these people that I'm dealing with is you're actually getting wrong what I want and so by not having the conversation with me you're making decisions on my behalf and if you actually just told me what was going on we could come to a happy medium about it”
You should proactively communicate your texting style to potential partners (e.g., 'I'm not the biggest texter but I will do my best to call you') rather than assume they will interpret your communication patterns correctly.
“just to let you know like I'm not the biggest texter but I will do my best to call you or just to make plans and don't read too much into my texting”
There's an attachment theory framework with three attachment styles: anxiously attached people pursue partners and fear abandonment; avoidantly attached people fear intimacy and pull away; and securely attached people maintain healthy balance between independence and intimacy.
“there are people who are anxiously attached what happens for them is their story of love is that I'm going to chase you I have to convince you to like me you might pull away and we're going to have this Chase Dynamic and that I'm constantly worried that you're not going to be interested in me... and then there's people who are avoid and attached they sort of have the opposite experience their version of Love is I'm going to be smothered I'm going to lose my Independence and when they get too close to somebody they are the ones pulling away... there's a third type of securely attached people and these are people who have a healthy relationship with Independence and with intimacy”
Stories are more memorable and engaging than facts; they are 'the filing system of the brain,' which is why oral traditions (Bible, fables like 'The Boy Who Cried Wolf') are so powerful at conveying lessons.
“stories are really the filing system of our brain totally and I was thinking last night about the story of the boy who cried wolf and I was like it's so smart that we teach kids fables because if somebody had sat me down and said if you a lot of false alarms when it's a real alarm no one's going to listen like I wouldn't remember it but the boy who cried wolf it's so memorable”
Before marriage, couples should engage in structured conversations (using resources like 'Eight Dates') about money, family, hopes, dreams, and how you handle adversity—this preparation leads to more successful outcomes than not having these conversations.
“before my husband and I got married we did there's a great book called Eight dates by the Gans who are sort of the kings and queens of relationship science and really research backed and in the book there's a series of dates that you should go on to get to know your partner and so there's conversations about money there's conversations around family there's conversations about hopes and dreams in the future”
Mutual trust and respect—feeling that your partner is right about important decisions and admiring their judgment—is more predictive of relationship success than similarity or personality compatibility.
“I just feel like the deepest parts of us that were connected so sort of same sense of humor which is a huge part of relationship Mutual intellectual respect really trusting each other deeply like those things were there from the beginning and have continued to grow”
Over the last 10 years, politics has become more important than religion for determining relationship compatibility; people now see political views as a proxy for shared values, making it a more important compatibility factor than it was in the past.
“10 years ago I did an event with Christian Rudder one of the founders of OK Cupid and we talked about this question that they have on an Okay Cupid survey of you know do you care about politics and what he told me at the time was it was way less important if the person had the same political views as you as if they cared about politics or not and now fast forward to this year I would say that's no longer the case that people really do care about political views because it's moved into the category of values”
The divorce rate has been 40-50% over the last 40 years, suggesting that the 'one-size-fits-all' model of traditional marriage doesn't work for most people, which validates the existence of alternative relationship structures like polyamory and open relationships.
“with the divorce rate being at 40 to 50% over the last 40 years we've really seen that this one- siiz fits-all version of marriage doesn't work for most people so if you have a product and 50% of people are returning it then maybe you need to rework that product”
It's assumed in modern dating that you're not exclusive until you explicitly have the conversation, but many people operate on different assumptions, causing heartbreak when people discover their partner was dating other people.
“in modern dating it's sort of assumed that you're not exclusive until you have the conversation exus and that pain can come from somebody making an well oh we've been dating for 6 months we must be exclusive oh we've had sex we must be exclusive and there is a lot of heartbreak that happens when people don't have that explicit conversation”
Around 25% of insecurely attached people are able to shift their attachment style over time, so while it's not instant, it is possible for anxious and avoidant people to become more secure without necessarily finding a secure partner.
“around 25% of people are able to shift their attachment over time so if you are insecurely attached there is hope it's not just oh I need to find one of those securely attach people that's already in a relationship”
Anxiously attached people show their attachment style by spiraling when they don't hear back from someone (assuming rejection, sending multiple texts), essentially trying to reconnect in ways that push the other person away.
“if you don't hear back from somebody you start spiraling they met somebody else they don't like me anymore you send a bunch of text to try to reconnect with them and you're often just in this danger zone where you're not being the person that you want to be because you're trying to have this reconnection moment”
Moving on from exes is important for finding new relationships because keeping exes 'in orbit' (as backups or occasional partners) prevents the psychological and temporal investment necessary to build new romantic partnerships.
“when we keep all of these doors open it actually prevents us from finding a new door to open and so if you have these five people from your past that you sleep with when you're in a certain city or you wonder oh maybe I should get back together with her I'll keep her on the back burner what we call like orbiting it can actually prevent you from focusing and finding somebody new”
Living near friends within a five-minute walk correlates with happiness, and communal living arrangements where costs and childcare are shared reduce parental stress compared to nuclear family isolation.
“there's plenty of research that shows that people are happier if they live within a five minute walk of their friends so Phil one of the guys who started this community he's now built an entire company around this premise and the company is called live near friends and it's basically either how can you buy property with a friend or near a friend or even like rent something nearby”
Society has taught men not to approach women, and because of societal factors, pandemic-related loss of social skills, and online living, there is a generational lack of rejection resilience—young people haven't developed the ability to handle 'no' and thus are not taking the risks necessary to date, find jobs, or pursue their goals.
“I am genuinely concerned that because of different societal factors because because of people who maybe lost out on some social skills during the pandemic because of people who live a lot of their lives online there is not that rejection resilience that many of us need in life so if you want your dream job you need to go out there get a lot of nose and go after it you don't just sit at home waiting for a LinkedIn recruiter to message you about your dream doob that that doesn't happen you have to make it happen and the same thing is true with dating is that you have to shoot your shot you have to approach people in public you have to take a risk”
The brain has a tendency to want options and choices, but limiting options actually makes decision-making easier and increases satisfaction—this principle applies to dating as much as to other domains.
“I think that the brain just has such a natural tendency to want options and choices when in reality limiting those options or going through things one at a time makes it much easier to make a choice”
50% of the population is securely attached, and these people are so good at relationships that they often get partnered off quickly, leaving anxious and avoidant people to date each other repeatedly.
“50% of the population is secure which sounds like a good thing but those people are so good at being relationships that they often get snatched up and you have the anxious avoidant people dating each other”
There's no single 'right choice' in partner selection; you could have many great relationships with different people; the key is deciding 'is this the person I want to do it with' rather than seeking the one perfect match.
“people often think am I making the right choice there's not really such thing as the right choice I don't believe in Soul mates I think that you could have many great relationships with many great people and you get to decide is this the person that I want to do it with”
What side of yourself a person brings out is the most important dating evaluation criterion because whatever version of yourself you are with that person is who you will be for the majority of your life if you end up together.
“probably the most important one what side of me did they bring out because whatever side of you you are with that person is who you'll be for a big majority of your life if you end up with that person”
If you spend 50 years with someone, the day you meet them represents only 0.55% of your total time together, so the first date should not be about information gathering but rather about having an experience with them and assessing how it feels to be in their presence.
“imagine that you spend 50 years with someone the day that you meet is 0.55% of your total time with them and so it's not about gathering information it's about having an experience with them”
People often expect partners to read their minds and know what they want ('if you really knew me, you'd know'), but it's much more important to get what you want by asking than to have someone guess correctly—explicit communication is more romantic than mind-reading.
“so I feel like I try to be really explicit with my husband and say like hey like for Mother's Day like this is what would be a really great day for me and like it's not like he always delivers on that but I'm kind of sharing what matters to me... I think it's much more important to get what you want than to have the person guess what you want and then not get it right and be disappointed so I feel like into what I think is much more romantic which is I feel safe enough to tell you what I want and I hope that you'll be able to honor it to the best of your ability”
A relationship is not about two individuals in isolation but about the dynamic between them—'the music you make together'—so focus on understanding the third object (the relationship itself) rather than just evaluating the person on their own.
“understanding that a relationship is not about two instruments on their own but it's about the music that you're making together and really paying attention to almost this third object of the dynamic between the two of you as opposed to just who that person is on their own”
Opening conversations with an in medias res approach—starting in the middle of an interesting situation rather than biographical facts—captures attention and creates genuine connection; for example, sharing a current dilemma creates shared problem-solving rather than information exchange.
“this concept of inmedia res which is a Latin term that means in the middle of things so a play might open up in the middle of a battle scene and then it sort of zooms out and later you find out who's in the battle why are they in the battle what's going on but it really just captures your attention right away and so you could enter a date or a phone call and say hey I'm Logan this is where I live this is what I do and like I'm already asleep just talking about this but instead if you walk in there and you say so my sister called me this weekend and she's having this issue at work and she told me this but I thought that she was handling it the wrong way what do you think about that it's like boom we're friends we're having an experience I'm hearing how you think I'm hearing if you give good advice I'm learning about you”
The concept of 'dating like a scientist' involves forming a hypothesis about what you think you need (e.g., a partner 6 feet tall, with a master's degree), testing it through experience, and being willing to update your beliefs based on whether the hypothesis actually predicts relationship satisfaction.
“so something that I really promote people do is date like a scientist which is this idea of have hypotheses so a hypothesis could be I need to date somebody with a graduate degree but then test that hypothesis maybe what you actually care about is intellectual curiosity and somebody who listens to the knowledge project not somebody who has a master's degree or PhD and so really having a hypothesis testing it and then being willing to be willing to be proven right or wrong”
People often don't get what they need from relationships because they ask 'What do I want to add to my plate?' when they should ask 'What am I willing to take away?' to make time for dating and relationships.
“it's not just what you want to add to your plate a day to week it's what are you willing to take away from your plate in order to make time for that and so work is such a compelling system right if I work harder I get promoted if I get promoted I make more money”
Ury's updated advice is to use the 'post-date 8'—eight questions to ask yourself after a date (how did you feel in your body, did they make you laugh, did they make you feel heard, were you curious about them, what side of you did they bring out)—to distinguish between actual incompatibility and a slow burn with potential.
“I have changed my advice since the book came out and instead of thinking about it as make the second date the default my go-to advice here is really to do the postdate 8 so the postdate 8 is a series of questions that I came up with for a client who was having a hard time deciding if she wanted to see someone again and also somebody who was having a hard time spotting the slowburn so when you finish the date you look at this you can have a screenshot on your phone or you know memorize the questions and they ask you things like how did I feel in my body during the day did I feel stiff did I feel relaxed did this person make me laugh did this person make me feel heard did I feel curious about the person and probably the most important one what side of me did they bring out”
People who are consistently asked on second and third dates are not necessarily the tallest or most attractive; they tend to be fun, vibrant, and lively—they tell good stories, share silly interactions, and make people feel like they're having an experience rather than exchanging information.
“look at people who are consistently getting asked on second or third dates look at people who people really are drawn to and when I talk to these people it's not what you might think they're the tallest people they're the hottest people it's often that they're very fun they meet up with you on a date and they tell you a funny story or they have a silly interaction with the bartender or they tell you about what happened at work that day and there's something about them that's very vibrant and Lively and when people are around them they feel like they are also having an experience”
Loyalty is one of the most important factors for long-term relationship success, and a proxy for it is whether someone maintains friendships from different phases of their life or trades up friends as they become more successful.
“the first one is loyalty really is this somebody who will stick by you of course that's a hard thing to find out on a first date but one proxy for that that I found is asking people about old friendships people who have friendships from different phases of their life do they hang on to people or when they move do they let those go or are they social climbing and always trying to trade up”
Some people, particularly those with dominant or powerful personalities, feel close to partners who tease or call them out on their flaws because it makes them feel 'known'—the partner sees the real person, not the persona, which builds trust.
“on my first date with my husband he told me that when people tease him or troll him or it actually makes him feel very close to them because something inside of him was like oh I'm a piece of [ __ ] so if somebody like if somebody sort of like calls that out it makes him feel known”
A key decision point in many relationships is the 'break up or get engaged' moment where couples reach a fork in the road and must decide whether to escalate toward marriage or end the relationship, as staying stuck in the middle is often not a sustainable option.
“I think people often assume that relationships are smooth sailing and that you just keep dating until you're married but as somebody who does these like breakup consultations and has really talked to a lot of people over the years that idea of breakup or get engaged is pretty common because it's like we either keep going and it escalates to marriage soon or there's no marriage at the end of this in which case we should break up because we both want to find other people to marry and so I think just like normalizing that that happens or that people put ultimatums or deadlines on things I actually think that's happening all the time”
Work is a compelling system because it's gamified (work harder → get promoted → make more money → status/self-worth), while dating is harder because it involves constant rejection and uncertain payoffs, making it less motivating for achievement-oriented people.
“work is such a compelling system right if I work harder I get promoted if I get promoted I make more money if I make more money I get to have a nicer apartment and my mom gets to brag about me I get to update my in it's like it's the perfect gamified system to find selfworth through achievement and dating is a lot harder there's a lot of constant Rejection it costs time it costs money it might take away from that gamified career”
On first dates, sharing stories with emotional content and context is more effective than sharing facts; for example, 'my younger brother lives across the country and I haven't met my niece yet, and I feel sad about the lack of connection' is more memorable than 'I have a younger brother.'
“share stories not facts and so what's an example of that well a fact would be that you have a younger brother a story would be your younger brother lives across the country from you you haven't met your niece yet you feel sad about the lack of connection with that person and one of your resolutions is to really get closer to your brother and so I think often times when people are less experienced with first aid conversations they share the facts about their lives and it's not memorable and it's boring and really think about the emotions and the feelings and the stories behind those facts”
Success for Ury is balance: not sacrificing health for career, not sacrificing husband for daughter, not sacrificing family for friends—and this is achieved by knowing priorities and ensuring they're reflected in how time is spent.
“success for me is balance feeling like I'm not forsaking my health for the sake of career not feeling like I'm forsaking my husband for the sake of our daughter not feeling like I'm forsaking my family for the sake of my friends and really just knowing my priorities and having that reflected in how I spend my time”
If religion or politics are genuinely important to you (you want to raise kids in your faith, or you want to raise them with your values), it's legitimate to discuss this on a first date rather than assuming it will sort itself out later.
“so if somebody said I'm Muslim I really want to raise my kids to be Muslim talking about that on a first date feels completely Fair totally so if you feel the same way about your political views then I'm totally fine with somebody talking about that on first date”
People should not pursue someone they're not romantically interested in out of ego (dating someone younger/hotter for the ego boost) when they could pursue someone they actually want to partner with long-term.
“instead really tuning into am I dating this person because they're younger and hotter and an ego boost or do I actually feel like this is somebody I want to partner with in life”
A widely-cited study showed that male rats in a cage with a female rat have sex initially but get bored, and when researchers keep replacing the female rat with new ones, the male rat continues having sex until it dies from exhaustion—this demonstrates that sexual novelty is a universal driver of attraction.
“there's a male rat in a cage and they put in a female rat and at first they have sex but over time the male rat gets sick of having sex with that female rat but then if you keep replacing the rat with new female rats that male rat will have sex with those female rats until it literally passes out from exhaustion”
The difference between being kind and being nice is that kindness involves telling someone an uncomfortable truth (like 'you have spinach in your teeth'), while niceness involves avoiding discomfort.
“it's kind versus nice thing right like a kind person will tell you you have spinach on your teeth but a nice person won't”
A person's compliment-rejection pattern can reveal childhood trauma: if someone was conditionally praised (praised only when doing what a parent wanted), they may develop aversion to compliments because they unconsciously associate them with power and control.
“compliments in my body I had somehow Associated compliments with power over me because at some point they were taken away and so it was like I'll compliment you as long as you do what I want and then all of a sudden and so I would associate these things and so I developed this really strong aversion to people having power over me”
Some people generate 'spark' and instant chemistry across many dating interactions not because they are compatible with each particular person, but simply because they are naturally charismatic—the spark is about their personality, not the dynamic between you and them.
“certain people just give off that spark and it's not about your Dynamic with them it's about who they are and then the third myth is that if you have a spark the relationship is viable”
When breaking up with someone, the guiding principle should be empathy; don't let them discover the problem for the first time when you're breaking up; share issues as they arise so breakup conversations don't introduce new information.
“so one of them is there's this rule kind of in Corporate America that if you're going to lay somebody off or give them a bad performance review it shouldn't be the first time that they've gotten that feedback so I think it's much more fair to let somebody know throughout the relationship if something isn't working I think it's so painful for people when somebody breaks up with them and says you know you love going to restaurants and City culture and I love camping and skiing but since we've been dating I haven't gotten to do any of those things”
Younger people should prioritize dating more when they have flexible schedules and a larger pool of single people to choose from, rather than waiting until they're older and focusing on career—learning how to date early makes the process easier long-term.
“when I do get the opportunity to speak to younger people I really encourage them start prioritizing dating when you're younger you have a more flexible lifestyle you have a bigger population of single people to choose from”
Once you've gone on a date with someone, whether you should continue dating multiple people simultaneously depends on your attachment style and comfort level; anxiously attached people might find multiple dates overwhelming, while others find it helps them feel less clingy.
“I found that it does differ by person so there are people out there that are really anxiously attached and when they meet someone their brain goes into I need to lock it down I don't want to date anymore so I just want to date them so how can I become exclusive with them and for those people sometimes having multiple people that they're seeing in the beginning is actually a way to sort of ease some of that and just makes it a little bit easier for them to be a bit more relaxed and have a bit more of an abundance mindset”
Don't use pictures with other people's pets to make your profile more appealing if you don't actually have a pet; this is 'dog baiting' and misrepresents your life.
“it's like if you have a friend with a cute dog like putting the dog in your picture it's like that's not representative of your life it's like show us authentically what spending time with you would be like so if you once went on a hike but you actually spend every Saturday night playing board games take a picture at board game night don't show that one hiking photo”
Like job-seeking where you must approach people and handle rejection rather than waiting for recruiters, dating requires proactive risk-taking—approaching people in public, shooting your shot, and developing rejection resilience.
“if you want your dream job you need to go out there get a lot of nose and go after it you don't just sit at home waiting for a LinkedIn recruiter to message you about your dream doob that that doesn't happen you have to make it happen and the same thing is true with dating is that you have to shoot your shot you have to approach people in public you have to take a risk”
The optimal way to transition from dating app to in-person meeting is to chat for about 3 days, then move to phone or FaceTime for a brief call, then meet in person quickly—this prevents people from building fantasies during prolonged text-based courtship.
“honestly meet on hinge and a few days later we've actually found that the sweet spot is after 3 days of chatting just say hey I always walk my dog at 6 p.m can I give you a phone call or do you want a FaceTime for a few minutes tonight and instead of turning the digital courtship phase into this weeks long thing make it much shorter get on the phone get on FaceTime see if you have a connection and then meet up in person as quickly as possible”
A good dating question is open-ended and exploratory (e.g., 'How is that different from what you thought it would be?') rather than closed and biographical (e.g., 'What did you study in college?')—good questions reveal how someone thinks, not just facts about them.
“I think a bad question would be what did you study in college I think then you're just finding out about a fact about somebody about their major I think a good question would be something like oh you just told me that your job was a marketing manager for this tech company like how is that different from what you thought it would be or can you see yourself doing that for a long time or like what changes would you want to make to it”
Digital body language (unspoken cues in text messaging like response time, message length, use of 'K' vs 'okay', emojis) is how we communicate intentions in digital communication, but people interpret these cues inconsistently—what seems rude to one person is neutral to another.
“digital body language the fact that we talk a lot about body language right I'm sure this is something that you've thought about in your own life so if I'm sitting forward I am really interested in what you're saying if I'm leaning back I might feel defensive am I averting my eyes and that your brain is subconsciously interpreting that as whether I'm a threat or whether I'm interested in you and so there's a ton of digital body language these unspoken cues as to my intentions”
People have different maximum texting amounts they're willing to give and minimum they're willing to take; if someone's minimum is not within their partner's maximum, they may not be compatible, and this texting mismatch is a real deal-breaker.
“I think that you need to understand as a person the maximum amount of text that you're willing to give and the minimum that you're willing to take and if the minimum you need is not within somebody's maximum you may not be a fit and it sounds so crazy because it's like you're really not going to date someone because of your texting Styles but look that's how a lot of people talk for a lot of the day”
When rejecting someone after a first date, send a clear, kind, but brief message (e.g., 'It was great meeting you, but I don't think we're a romantic match') without lengthy explanation—86% of people prefer honest rejection to ghosting, even though they're motivated not to hurt feelings.
“I don't owe you feedback I don't need to get into a long conversation about what you did right or wrong I'm acknowledging you that you're a person we had an experience together and I don't want to move forward and that's it you just leave it there... what's so hard about ghosting and it truly has become more and more common over as Say the Last 5 Years that I've been tracking it is that it leads people in this ambiguity... in the research that I did on this at hinge what we found is that 86% of people say when it comes to rejection I'd rather you tell me it hurts but I want to know”
Your dating profile is like a billboard for yourself; it should show your three big things (what defines you), balance humor with vulnerability, avoid clichés, and use photos that clearly show what you look like and what you actually do.
“your dating out profile is sort of like your billboard and if you were buying a billboard let's say on the 101 in San Francisco like you would of course think a lot about what you're going to put on it and I think people should give the same amount of attention to their hinge profile so for example you are telling a story about who you are so let's say that you have a side of yourself that loves anime and there's a side of yourself that's passionate about baseball if all of your pictures are from ComicCon I'm not going to see that so really I like to teach people this concept of your three big things”
You don't need to share the same hobbies as your partner; you just need to support each other's hobbies and have them support yours. Two people with the same big personality in a relationship is 'way too much'—complementary differences are more functional than similarity.
“so people think we need to have all the same Hobbies if I love wine I want someone who loves wine too and you don't actually have to share the same Hobbies you just need to support the other person's hobbies and have them support yours so that you can continue investing in that Hobby and you don't have to have the same personality sometimes people will say I have a big personality I love to go out I want to find a woman who does the same thing and I'm like no way two of you in a room two of you at a dinner party two of you in a relationship that's way too much I want you to find somebody who grounds you”
The ability to make hard decisions together—paying attention to how a couple negotiates disagreement over small things like where to meet—reveals how they'll handle major decisions and whether they listen to each other's needs.
“another one is the ability to make hard decisions together so early in dating you're maybe not making a lot of hard decisions together but pay attention to how you talk about things like if one person wants to meet up near their house the other person wants to meet up near their house are you debating it are you compromising it are they listening to your needs”
People often feel threatened by their partner having close friendships with the opposite sex, but secure partners understand that these friendships enrich their partner's life and that security means not needing to control who their partner spends time with.
“I think that when my husband knows I'm having brunch with Mike he's thinking oh Mike and Logan are just like these creative animals that literally have brunched with Post-it notes and a notebook and like they're just going to jam out in a way that Logan and I don't and he feels like that makes Logan happy and makes our relationship stronger he doesn't feel threatened and I think that's hard a lot of people do feel threatened or they do feel jealous but the more you can do in your own life to feel confident in yourself in your relationship people just are drawn to that sort of confidence”
Research at Hinge found that double-texting (sending a second text if someone doesn't respond to your first) is not seen as a negative by most people—they understand that people are busy and messages get missed.
“we did do research at hinge looking at to what are the most commonly agreed upon parts of digital body language so one of them is that actually the double text is okay so if I text you and you know we're early dating and I say hey I'd love to hear about that show you were talking about how was it and then you don't respond I might feel like oh he's not interested I can never send another text but sending one more text that either like follows up on it or says like hey do you want to go out this week people don't mind that people are busy and they understand that sometimes messages get mixed”
Hinge's 'your turn limits' feature forces users to close conversations or match with no one else until they respond—this addresses 'attention vs connection' and nudges people toward decision-making rather than endlessly accumulating matches.
“my favorite feature that's come out in a long time is this thing that came out last year called your turn limits and basically the idea is that people were thinking I want to get as many matches as possible I really want to get this ego boost from attention and see how many people will like me and instead it's about connection over attention so now if you have eight conversations where you owe somebody a response you cannot match with anyone else until you respond to one of those people”
Phone/video dates during the pandemic became normalized and have value: they help busy people (executives, single parents) decide if someone is worth in-person investment, and they allow people to see if there's basic conversational compatibility before meeting.
“during the pandemic that was the only way that people could really date for a while and so there was this proliferation of video chats or phone dates and I actually felt like they were a great technique for people to just see can we hold a conversation are they who they say they are it makes people feel more safe before meeting up for the first time it helps people who are really busy like Executives or single parents feel like is this somebody who I want to get a babysitter for in order to meet up with them and so now I actually think that it's a really helpful technique for a lot of people”
Ury and her husband met in college, swiped left on each other on a dating app years later, reconnected at work, and gradually fell in love—this slow-burn relationship demonstrates that lack of initial spark can develop into deep connection over time.
“my husband and I met in college and we only know this because we became Facebook friends at the time so have this vague memory of like sitting next to him in the dining hall and we had a mutual friend and he wrote on my Facebook wall which back in the day you know maybe he was flirting or maybe he wasn't and then we met again at Google and I saw him on a dating app and I looked at his photos I can just remember exactly where I was exactly what the photos look like and I swiped left I said no”
Rejection in dating is uniquely painful compared to other rejections (like job rejections) because it feels like personal rejection of who you are, not just a mismatch of position and candidate; this pain is understandable and common.
“having somebody spend time with you evaluate you and tell you that you're not what they want is so painful and I think that if you apply for a job and you don't get it it's oh I wasn't right for the position and they had an internal candidate it's just one slice of your life there's something uniquely painful about rejection and dating because it's like I've met you and I don't want you”
The host is 'terrible at dating but good at being a partner,' struggling to prioritize dating when his priorities are children and work, but once someone is in his life, he invests deeply.
“I think I'm terrible at dating but good at being a partner what do you think makes you bad at dating I get bored”
Dan Arielly's influence on Ury's work includes the concept of 'make the second date the default,' suggesting that assuming every first date leads to a second date reduces evaluation anxiety and pressure.
“I have a chapter called make the second date the default and this was influenced by one of my mentors Dan arielli”